This, for me, is a safe place

 As far as I can tell I am the only one who comes here. This makes it a fairly safe place to vent, if I need to, to forgive myself when I vent, to contemplate my struggle to advocate for myself, and finally  just to ramble on about those things that pop into my head as I am trying to fall asleep.

I have ranted and vented about Joseph in the past. I do not regret the rants, I regret it has taken me so long to just accept Joseph. He is a good man who makes mistakes, just like every one of us humans. He doesn't do anything out of malice that I can see, he does do some things he shouldn't because he doesn't understand some of the people he interacts with. A flaw that he does have is that he is quick "attack" without knowing the circumstances. Many, if not all, of us humans speak before thinking. A flaw we all share, some of us recognize it usually too late, some never do. 

To have a safe place helps the stress and keeps me on a somewhat even keel. I hope I can continue to use this safe place, even it is somehow outed.

Stress

 I have been under varying levels of stress for about two months. The levels are going down as each of my issues resolve. I made the bed and it took me far too long to pull myself out. Mainly because asking for help and then relying on others to help is very hard for me. Family and friends have sent healing vibes my way, as well as, help by sending money which was given from the heart. I only asked my son and daughter for monetary help and my daughter was the only one who has come through. My son has said nothing including, no we can't help. Ghosting me for something I am uncertain I did. But I am not going to dwell any longer on that.

Once relief comes it is hard to stand down the worry/stress level. It is agencies who are helping me currently and I can't thank them enough for the help and advice. It is of course the people in the agencies who do the helping and I haven't talked to one person who has been negative. I'm not sure I could keep up the empathy level each day when I hear about the crisis people are going through. From my relatively temporary crisis to those who pull out of whatever crisis they are in, even with the help of people who seem to actually care. I only qualify that because if people feel better from what the agency people say or do it really doesn't matter if everyone of them actually cares. Kindness is something that we all have to be reminded about in our current world. I have experienced a lot of kindness over the last few months and I can't express my thanks enough to all who have helped me. Even people I have never met in person sent support through the cute emojis and a few words. And for someone who prefers the company of her fur babies to actual people, those little things actually help. 

So stress is hard to slough off and I will probably never slough every vestige off and that's ok. I can hopefully use that to find my way and my happiness. Unlike many memes lately happiness all of the time is not a good thing, being happy all of the time can lead to not doing what you enjoy. Riches do not mean happiness, having it all does not lead to lasting love. What am I rambling on about here? I believe that having what you need, not what want is the root to personal happiness. If you have seen the film Legion with Paul Bettany he has a line where he tells Gabriel that Gabriel gives what god wants and he, Michael gives what, he says he, but I prefer they need. Yes, I see God as a duality. 

Needs should not be stressors, but so many times they are. How do I pay my rent? How do I feed my family? How do I get to the store when I have the money to buy groceries? Needs. We all have wants and sometimes we get them, the so-called 1% thrive on the wanting and see the wanting as needing. Wanting is not a bad thing, but pushing others aside to get to what you want is. Not getting what you want is not failure, failure has been getting a new definition of sorts lately. Failure can lead to success, probably does in most cases. I watched National Treasure last night and Gates talks about Edison and the light bulb, how Edison's discovery came from many failures. The stress that comes from failure when imposed by the person with the failure can be enlightening sometimes. Failure is seen as a bad thing in schools and business. Learning from failure is a good thing that we rarely acknowledge.

Edison and others acknowledge their failures as the way to success. Then there are others who fail and then buy their way to temporary success and then fail again and buy success again. Those are the people who give failure a bad name. The memes who tell you not to look back are doing you a disservice. You should not dwell on the past, but learn from it. The historian in me goes back to the old saying what we don't learn from the past.... I love learning. I am just not very good at teaching, though that part is still in flux for me. What did I do or not do that caused me to fail at something I enjoyed? In part, my anxiety, and the rest I don't know. I gave up trying even given the support I thought I needed. 

Stress one of those things that should be thought of as a way of enlightenment perhaps? 

Envy, family, pride, etc

 I watch far too much TV, as I have admitted before, the last program I watched is titled Worst Witch and stars Bella Ramsey, yes that one. Envy was sort of the anchor trope of the episode I just watched and it got me thinking about why envy is a bad thing, one of the seven deadlies. But as with a few of the other deadlies I think it is a matter of degree. If you let one, like envy, overtake you then you lose yourself in it. If you embrace it as a positive then, I believe, you master it and use it to your advantage. Not sure if that works with all of the deadlies, but envy can motivate you to better yourself. I am not sure once you do that if it still envy, since the bad connotations are prevalent in society today. Back to Worst Witch, it is a nice show with lots of tropes that annoy me, but then it is made for tweens afterall. 

Family is a part of the show, all the young witches are in a witch boarding school, sound familiar? No wizards however, which I find very interesting. There is one, but he is a bit daft after being turned into a toad/frog for several years. School as family is what many schools strive for, complete with the "evil" siblings and adults. School that is a sore subject for me. I never felt a part of the high school, especially that last two years. I cared about the students, loved creating lesson plans and the research. What broke me, especially when I was teaching in the "regular" school, was any all and interactions of more than three or four. I couldn't overcome it, maybe because I hated teaching Economics, a course I think is stupid in high school, and then the plague hit and I thought cool no real life interactions, all virtual, but then it was Economics and I hated it. So I shot myself in the foot instead of getting help with the anxiety I thought that learning more about teaching would help and it didn't. Teaching is now behind me, I couldn't afford to renew my teaching certificate so I am certificateless and retired. Now for my pension to start up, which is going to happen by the 1st of November so I don't get evicted. Capeco may be helping out with the back rent, I am worthy because I was an idiot. 

But the ... shoot lost my train of thought there. What I have learned is that one of the things I never could do, rely on others, is also something that helped in my downfall as a teacher. I can do this on my own was my mantra, I must do it on my own to prove my worth. That is the "evil" part of pride and I that led to my losing my love of teaching. Realization of that will not help me get back to teaching, but it does help me relax and accept what I did wrong. I keep getting these so-called positive memes that say to no dwell on the past, but I think they miss the point of looking back. Sure it isn't helpful to get depressed about what you did wrong, but it is helpful to dig in and learn from the past. The other positive memes make me feel good actually, none are directed at me of course, but they brighten my mood. The ones that say wealth and a dream house are coming my way, are a bit over the top. I don't need to be wealthy and my dream house is a 70 year old beach house that my parents and god parents built in the 60's. When I think about wealthy, I remember way back to when malls were in their heyday and I was shopping with a friend and we were talking about being rich and I said that to me, being rich is being able to go shopping and not have to look at the price tags. I still believe that, but now I have to add having family and friends close and sharing holidays with all of them. Like we used to do when I little, at least the Forcier part of the holidays. I won't go down the Richardson road, because they have basically washed their hands of me. Without Brion and Joanne, the Richardsons are so much less. But that is on them. 

When I was at my worst, the Richardson side let me down. Over the last months the Forciers have shown that they will come to each other's and even my sorry ass's aid. For that I am forever grateful to them. I do still care about the Richardsons they are family after all. Family is a bit troublesome for me currently. But then I am far away and unable to go to them. I am hoping that will change as my finances begin to recover. Finance problems because, again, I am an idiot.

Family is important and should never be taken for granted. 

What is a family????

 Families are complicated beings. They grow and they decompose, sometimes at the same time. My family is in a slow process of decay and for some reason it seems as if I am the cause. My son and granddaughter stopped by a few weeks ago, totally a surprise visit. We talked and we hugged, but my granddaughter is the only one I have heard from since and that was a birthday note. My daughter says I threw her brother under the bus, but I don't why. She also says I have spent far more time with my oldest grandson than any of my other grandchildren. That is true, but since his dad, my son essentially chose his other children over him, I can't help it.

Anyway, back to a previous discussion about TV and film families. I hear a lot about how many people never see themselves in the families that are depicted on TV and film. I believe this and I also think that TV and film are trying too hard to depict said families. Though I never watched Modern Family, I think that they did a very good job in the depiction of the gay couple. I say that not knowing if that community thinks that is true. Blackish is a great show and far better than the stilted Black families, that were all sitcoms by the way, depicted when I was a teenager. Sanford and Son was good, very good in depicting a "typical" Black family, again only my opinion. The Jeffersons I did enjoy, but always seemed a bit surreal to me. Not that I had issue with the premise, but as a sitcom all of the tropes were there and maybe that is why it troubled me. I had no Blacks, Asians, Hispanics, etc in my frame as I grew up. It was all very white and all of that whiteness was never discussed. My mother was racist and used that word from time to time. In fact she used that word in relation to my Hawaiian boyfriend and I slapped her. 

I watch far too much TV/Streaming, as I have said before and lately I have been paying attention to the depiction of family. Disney, of course, does all the fuzzy wuzzy families and also has begun to slip in dysfunctional families. Or at least they try to. They created a new Cheaper by Dozen and then took it off their streaming service. They have taken a few other shows off: Willow the series, Turner and Hooch the series, Crater, and likely others that I am forgetting. A whole gaggle of reality shows have showed up, though I am hoping it is more response (a bad one) to the WGA strike. Disney has tried to expand their brand with Star Wars and the Marvel movies and series. Sometimes not in a good way. Relationships aren't really Disney's thing, well in the sense that everyone seems to get along and when they don't one of them is a bad guy. Good vs Evil, Disney's biggest trope. 

In the Santa Clause movies and series family is important, but not the work family at least in the "real" world. I just rewatched the movies and Scott's real world work took up so much of his time that his family was left behind. Then in the last movie his elf family/work takes up too much of his time and he doesn't realize what he was losing until he loses everything. Disney teaching him and us a lesson on how to balance the two. Of course in the end, family prevails and Christmas is saved. 

Families are complicated and they have to want to be melded back together. I hope that my family will begin that healing process. I am not sure how to begin and I am far away and can't afford to come for a visit. Excuses are many for me, but I don't know how heal when I don't know how it was broken.

Thoughts on parents

I have been watching a lot of TV. In an effort to keep expenses to a minimum until my pension kicks I watch a lot of, far too much of TV. Lately everything I watch that has families makes me cry. I have always been a weeper during movies, documentaries, and TV shows. My daughter didn't like to go the movie with me because I would laugh when no else did. I told her it wasn't my fault that I got the joke and the rest of audience didn't. 

Families have an interesting position in films and TV. Nearly all are far more interesting than mine. That is the nature of the beast, because these made up families much hold the attention of a variety of viewers. The more complicated and darker families dwelled on daytime TV for the most, with the happy and positive families living on sitcoms. I Love Lucy was favorite in my home when I was young. It came as no surprise to me that slept in twin beds, because my parents didn't even sleep in the same bedroom. That was normal to me, "Your dad snores so loudly I can't sleep." Was the answer I received when I asked, I have no memory of asking however. My family was typical white middle class of the 50s and 60s, though my mother did work outside the home and I had a nanny. Watching TV during the 60s I saw reflections of myself and my family. Until other races started popping in sitcoms during the 70s I never thought about other races. There were none, other than the Chinese family who owned the Chinese restaurant, in my frame. 

My parents were good to me. My dad was wonderful. My mom distant and also pushing me to a variety of activities I didn't want to do. Even then I had anxiety being in groups of people I didn't know. I had a few friends as a young child, I believe all vetted by my mother. It wasn't until Junior High that I found friends on my own and Julie and Sue were BBFs through middle and high school. We lost touch after, primarily all my fault. I went to college made new friends, though at least three slightly vetted by my mother I believe. Now I have few who I call friend and that is all my fault. I made casual friendships with colleagues, but none deep and now I see them only on Facebook. I had one friend before moving here who was my polar opposite; she is outgoing and loud. I fell away from her for some reason I cannot put words to, we kept in virtual touch until she lost her mind and became a Trump supporter hook line and sinker. Another former colleague who I kept in touch did the same thing. I'm not sure who unfriended who first, but both are no longer on my feed. 

I'll talk boyfriends later. 

Back to parents on TV and film. Now families are much more reflective of society, somewhat. Though still there are far too many middle class families who live in homes I am pretty sure most middle class people in the real world can't afford. I was not a Friends fan, I did watch it from time to time, but not a fan. Later of course it was criticized for having working class 20 somethings living in a loft in New York City. During college I watched far too much day time dramas, General Hospital, Young and the Restless, and whatever drama Ericka Kane lived in. Families in sitcoms lived the good life for the most part, even those who didn't seem to have jobs that paid enough the homes they lived in. Sanford and Son was, for me, a new look into lives I had no clue about. Accurate? No idea. Without doing any research, a good portrayal of a working class family. Archie Bunker was, I think, a more accurate portrayal of a white working class family than most.

Today, film and TV still have issues with accurately portraying families. But again, would we watch if it wasn't interesting or a reflection of what we all think is the American Dream? I watch a lot of animated films, because they are an interesting mix of families who love each other and even hate each other. Jealousy usually being a dark thing that corrupts the holder of the jealousy and, for a time, hurts the objects of the jealousy. When I watch Encanto, which I love, I see the grandmother being controlling and behaving much like my mother, or at least how I saw my mother behaving. There was only me to control, ok and my dad, but molding into her image what her family should be is very much my mother. How the family is perceived by others being the driving force. Disney has a knack for the good and satisfying ending. They have branched off from that model and are stumbling. But the grandmother in Encanto they are tossing that which doesn't fit their current belief. 

Disney is removing films and shows for some reason, I realize there was some kind of purge which included Hulu, but their rationale is beyond me. They are making mistakes about their programming and either refuse to see or can't see what they are doing is a mistake. I recently logged on to Disney+ and discovered that while they are removing some fairly decent shows and replacing them with a bunch of old and maybe new unscripted reality junk like Storage Wars, which I admit I watched until the channel, A&E?, they were on cancelled Longmire. Longmire now sits on Netflix and either Paramount or Peacock. Disney's mistake may be that they listen to reply rather than listen to learn. Yes, I stole that from meme or other. Disney+ has Marvel and Star Wars and is not listening, this is a time where you should look back and learn and see. Loki does well because as an antihero he is someone we like. Love and Thunder failed, because in my opinion Disney is listening to a bunch of incels who can't grasp a female hero. Also likely why Captain Marvel hasn't had a second volume. If you look at Marvel's films, I can't speak for the graphic novels/comics, you see a bunch of male heroes being assisted by strong women, even saving the universes. The Red Witch becomes evil after losing her lover, because that is what women do, especially those who are witches. They embrace the dark and evil and retaliate. The Winter Soldier is redeemable, but she is not? Natasha sacrifices herself because Clint has a family. 

I feel that Disney has difficulty with strong women who cannot or will not be labeled princesses. Families in Disney are side stories, they rarely take center stage. They are there in the background, usually supportive and loving, but never in the forefront. Pepper comes to the Avengers aid in Endgame and teams with the other women: Shuri who will become Black Panther, Captain Marvel, Wanda, Hope, and Valkerie. That is a match up I would like to see in a movie. 

Families have been an interesting mix in novels, film and TV. Sometimes portrayed accurately and sometimes not. Families are complicated. 

Slowly doing better

 Having to rely on Joseph was not stressful at all. He is a good man. Exasperating, but a good man. His faith is his companion, that sounds a bit lame. But I have faith in his faith in God. Kind people live not so much in the shadows, but backstage waiting to help, encourage, even harass those they encounter in the right ways.

My Facebook feed has been overrun with positive meme sites. Some are very very good and encouraging, others make me wriggle up my face in wonder, like, "You will get all the money you have wished for," "Affirm and riches will come your way." Stuff like that, friendship and family are the foundation on which we build our "wealth." The more I worry and stress about money, the more I know that while I need money I don't need to drip in it. Sure it would be great to have the money I need to buy the beach house my parents built, a dream that could happen perhaps, but I go back to what I used think about money: enough to pay bills, enough to road trip a few times a month, enough to help my family when they need it. 

So back to my original statement about relying on Joseph, he encouraged me and was a sounding board. I am now relying on the controllers of my pension and an agency helping me pay my rent this month and that so far is somewhat helping with stress. Ok it's just the agency that is helping me with my rent. I had been awaiting confirmation of the app I turned in three weeks ago and just found out yesterday that according to the agency my landlord hadn't sent their info in. The landlord says that they did, then today I get a call from the person reviewing my application and I find out they can't/won't help people who do not have the ability to maintain their household. I actually get that requirement because if they help someone with rent and then they don't have the ability to pay their rent in the future the agency help really isn't that helpful. 

What is horrible is that rental assistance, that payment that covers part of a person's rent runs out of funds. I, thankfully, receive enough from social security to pay my rent, not all of my bills but at least the rent, utilities, and Internet. When my pension arrives, sometime in the next 92 days according to the email I received, I will be fine. Hopefully, enough to save a few dollars a month. Back to renter's assistance, there are people, I was one, that could be homeless because they can't pay their rent. When I look at what I pay for rent, I could surely pay a mortgage, but because currently I have a low income, I can't qualify.  Again I pine for the beach house. Sigh....

I am babbling, which is what I do when I am stressed. I have overcome a few of my stressed out issues, but not that one. I get overly vocal and sometimes overshare. Ok, what I call overshare because obviously I don't blog, though I do in my head. Hmmmm maybe pop in a blog entry more often. 

I am slowly doing better, I have been forced to rely on others which is my Achilles heel. Also probably one reason I am no longer teaching. I used to love teaching but then I lost that love and I couldn't rekindle it. I have no desire to sub, that would be my hell. I am seeking a retirement passion, though I hate using use the word passion. I very much enjoy reading and writing and researching. Figuring out how to combine those is a new goal. 

Not doing well at all

 I rarely come and write. I hope to do better, I always hope to do better. The last few months have been lonely and awful. Awful in the sense that I couldn't get the motivation to complete forms and requirements for my pension and social security. I am so not sure why, I couldn't even open the tablet up to find those things I need to do to not lose my apartment, phone, internet, etc. So now I have exactly 14.00 to my name. Luckily the furry family has their food, though cat food is running low and I 14.00 is not enough to buy them a bag of food. 

I have filled out the forms for social security and, sadly, SNAP. The later being extremely complicated to fill out. My pension paperwork has to be completed before next Friday and they don't accept electronic submissions for some reason, likely because they need a notary. So I need to Fax the packet and don't have enough money to do that. 

I have also had to ask my son for money to pay this month's bills and I'm not sure he can help. I could lose my apartment on my birthday, happy birthday to me. Those who help with rent are all dry of funds, which I find particularly sad, not just for me but for those who are worse than me. I will eventually have my pension and social security to help. I am hoping I will only have to access SNAP for this month and October. With gas up 5.00 or more a gallon I can't afford to drive around to the organizations in person.

I gave a box of cans and bottles to a gentleman combing through our trash bins and that felt good. He kept thanking me even as I walked away. Giving is far more easy for me than asking for help. Especially when what I need is about 2000.00 to catch up all my bills, but my credit card. 

People want to be kind, but other than saying I am not doing well on Facebook, yes Facebook. Sigh, I hate social media, ok not hate because it is my only connection to the world however fake part of it my be. 

I am hoping I can receive enough from my pension and social security to not have to work. My social anxiety, which is one of the things that I feel kept me from filling out forms and talking to people about the forms, keeps me from even thinking about jobs that require daily human contact in person. 

Now I have a ton of papers to fill out for my pension, find a notary and then find a place where I can fax the papers for free.

It's been ages

 Motivation being totally lacking the last couple of months I have neglected the physical blog. I blog a lot in my head as I am trying to motivate myself to get out of bed and actually doing something productive. Still lacking motivation, but more willing to try. Ages and three teaching positions ago, our principal sent us on a retreat and the highly overpaid presenter talked about never using the word "try." He said we should just get up and do. I have heard this advice a lot over the ensuing years. I have been able to grasp the do from time to time, but since not being renewed my anxiety level has increased. I still believe that the lock down and pandemic only exacerbated my crowd anxiety. I wish I had been able to embrace the online school vibe, but for some reason I could not. I also still hate Economics and think it should be Personal Finance and taught by Math teachers, because at some point they loved numbers. I do not love numbers. I find some aspects of Economics interesting, mostly the Civics and History aspects. And I have to say that teaching it did enlighten me to how stupid/ignorant some politicians, who will remain nameless, are.

When I was a Senior in high school, '74-'75 North Salem graduate here, we had a class named Modern Problems. This class was basically a Personal Finance with Careers and other stuff I forget. Knowing how to balance a checkbook, electronic though most of them are now, is still important. Checking charges to your account being one of the most important. How else could you discover that someone charged German porn to your card while you were shopping with your oldest grandson at Columbia Center Mall. Shoot I have not been there since way before COVID. 

Tomorrow all mask mandates in Oregon are rescinded. I will still wear mask. I am vaccinated and boosted, but I am still concerned about getting sick. Fact is, one week after my booster I was sick. sick, sick for about ten days and I am still overly tired. I was not so sick I needed a doctor, but sick enough to lay in bed for two days, while spicing that up with one or two walksies with Boudica. Boudica was a real trooper and did try to use the puppy pads, I think. Sometimes I think she just avoids them altogether. Of course, over here in Trumpland people have been shopping and going out without masks more often than not. That ignorant convoy drove down 84 the other day, to cheers from the ignorant here in Hermiston. By the time that convoy was organized, the announcement about the mask mandates had already come out so the "Freedom Convoy" shifted to other things which I paid no attention to. In a sort of Karma smack, because of that idiot Putin gas prices surged at about the same time, so they were paying upwards of $5 a gallon for gas/diesel.

My favorite sushi place closed, I am hoping for a remodel rather for good. The other sushi place is more expensive, though just as good. Great now I am hungry for sushi, sigh. They stay take out only until they closed, so maybe... nope I can't think it... they will open again. Kobi Hibachi Sushi, Hermiston is their name. They will reopen, they must reopen.

Found a stink bug in my BBQ today. It was dead. Poor stink bug. Thankfully, no other dead creatures found. Along with cleaning my carpet, I must also clean my BBQ. I suck as housekeeper, so applying for such jobs at local hotels and motels isn't an option. Speaking of job options, I'm not sure what I am good at other than creating curriculum. I suppose tutoring, but only in Social Studies and Language Arts. Also tutoring can pay well, but isn't likely a supporter of any lifestyle. 

That's it for now. Hopefully back later with some of my ephemeral blog.

Believing in Santa

 Do you believe? I do! I had a time where I didn't, but as I grew older I realized that Santa does exist. Physically? Probably not, but as a concept of caring and giving he does exist. He, of course, doesn't exist in everyone unfortunately. I am not one to say he exists in more than a certain someone who was born around this time. Yes, Jesus existed as a real person. It depends on whether you believe he is the son of god or not. Oh no, I didn't capitalize "god". As an agnostic I believe in a higher power and I believe she may intervene from time to time, but it is up to us to embody who she is and be kind to one another. The whole be kind thing is becoming a bit overblown, but kindness is something we are sorely lacking in the world today. 

It's hard to be kind to everyone, I get it. I'm not kind to everyone I am sure. But what I don't do is go out of my way to be unkind. I try to be the best I can be despite being overwhelmed by unemployment and a lack of medical insurance. I think those two things make me sad far to often, I can't see a way out, I don't know how to do anything but teach and I am told and I do agree I am not all that good at it. I am good at research, writing, and lesson planning and like I said yesterday I truly suck at the implementation of lessons. I sometimes think I would be good at teaching adults, but I don't have a Masters and that keeps me from being taken seriously as a teacher of adults. I have always wondered why degrees are so important, there those, like myself who are adept in certain areas despite not having that piece of paper on my wall. Also, the more I read the posts by those working on their Masters I think the arbitrary rules of writing get in the way of some achieving their goal of a Masters. One of the students who just finished his capstone on Mexican Americans really embodies the kind of person I hope I could be someday, running out time perhaps but I hope to read his paper in a journal or maybe even a book someday. I do have great ideas, I just have a real problem with all the rules, yep I'm funny that way. 

My wish for Christmas this year is two-fold: to be able to focus enough to begin to write again and that family can come together sometime in the coming year, altogether. I miss that so much.

sloughing off the negative as best I can, maybe

 It's almost Christmas and I am still not actively searching for a job. I am having second, third, fourth, and tenth thoughts about looking for a teaching position. I have always known I was very very good at research and critical thinking, but not very good and imparting that to students, at least high school students. I am told I am not engaging, that I know my subject, that I can write good plans, but standing up in front of a class of 20+ teenagers? Well that scares the living shit out of me. Last year, once we were back in person, I was sick a lot. I couldn't think straight and I truly sucked at teaching Economics. Truly sucked at it. Likely because Economics is not something I am excited about, so my sucky teaching just got suckier and suckier and of course my smart students noticed. Which should have been embarassing, but I was happy that my perception of my ability in that subject was correct. Though now that I am unstressed I do see that an understanding of some concepts is important. Still don't like it. 

Again I will be alone at Christmas, well alone in the sense that my family will not be coming to see me. I have Boudica, Nala and Evil to keep me company. This year has made me sad on numerous occasions for a variety of reasons. Sad has been a daily state of mind for me, it's just sort of there sitting in the background when I am feeling lonely. I have sat and watched far too much TV when Boudica and I should have been out and about. I set up scenarios in my head, but never complete them. Lately, I have been a bit paranoid when Boudica and I go out late at night for her to pee and poop. I have done a lot dumb and crazy things as a young woman, now as an old woman I think I need to start doing some crazy things. Not dumb, because I have companions that depend on me. I need to take walks with Boudica like I used to do with Destiny and Rasta. Yes, the dog park and a walk up the Butte and maybe a longer walk on the new trails. Shoot Emma and Mouse and I used to take long walks too and then the three of us got old and lazy. 

Well maybe another thing is to write every day. Write down the thoughts I have when I am trying to fall asleep. Maybe letters to my dad, and even my mom. Thoughts on stuff. Yes, must discipline myself to write and walk, must get snow tires so we can go on rides. Yep next week maybe drive to Salem and get those darn tires.

Job searching, not really.

 June 16th of 2021 was my last at Hermiston High School. Also, the last day of what could be my last teaching position. At 64, I am too young to retire fully. Too young for Medicare/Medicaid. Too old, in my mind to go back to a profession that has told me that I can't teach. Ok, they never said I can't teach, just that I cant' engage students. I do not disagree with that, especially when I am teaching a subject, Economics, that I find anachronistic. I did find some of the things within Economics interesting and I see how knowing some things could students in their coming years understand how dependence on a a free market system can hurt the 99%. But teach it in that way and you could get a slap from your administration, trust me. Of course I live and taught in a MAGA central part of my state which stays ever so red, despite the light to dark blue rest of the state. That is a battle cry of this side of my state, impeach our liberal Governor, impeach Biden, restore the order that was dictated by the former President. 

I was always open with my students, I'm a Democrat, though in many things I am a bit more moderate than many. Is that a circumstance of my birth? I am a Libra, lady justice, or maybe more rightly the lady of balance. I was teaching CRT (Critical Racial Theory) before it became the mantra of evil by conservatives. I still believe my lack of engagement of my students was the excuse, though my attempt at balance in teaching Civics was the real reason. Can't really say that teaching truth is reason for dismissal. Well, not in my state anyway.

Here I am 5 months out and still I haven't found the position that calls to me. I am too old to take a position in a district where I am not really wanted. There are many positions available because of teacher burnout, but do I want a position in a district that would do that to its faithful teachers? In my previous post, 5 months ago, I listed a variety things that cause teachers to leave. My former district lost many teachers because of its lack of care for teachers either pregnant or with small children. Other reasons as well, maybe because they couldn't engage their students. But speculation is rumor without facts and I love me some compelling facts. I have none, other than those that involve me. And I can make a guess that our facts about my dismissal are not agreed upon. 

As my retirement nest egg dwindles I am looking at my options. I really think research is my area of expertise. I suck at the presentation, on that I agree with my former district. My anxiety in crowds and meeting new people is crippling. COVID hasn't helped me one bit, though I still think I was ok in CDL and just as good as many of my colleagues, according to them. But I am not a coach, all of my colleagues in my department are and the person who was hired to replace me is also a coach. Ok, he didn't take my job technically, my colleague who was teaching US History, moved into my Civics/Economics position and the new guy got his job. The irony here, is that when I was told I being involuntarily transferred I said I had never taught in regular classroom, always alternative ed, and that I had never taught Economics. At the time I was working on a Masters in American History. My theory is that they were hoping I would resign and move on to another position. They were caught and well when they looked closer at me, they saw someone who didn't do well in a regular classroom setting and began looking for a way to get me out. This could all be paranoia on my part, but I do know I struggled daily with just coming to work each morning for two years, because of my anxiety and the help I was getting from coaches wasn't geared to making me better at engagement, but at preparing lesson plans which they believed would make me a better teacher. My saying this is really hard for me was translated as you need to tighter lesson plans, post your learning goals so that students know what they are learning and adults coming in know what you are teaching. I was sick more in the two years I was teaching in a regular classroom, than I was in the last 7 years. Exposure to twice as many students notwithstanding, anxiety and my inability to get through it was the reason.

I am trudging on ever so slowly and hopefully there will be something somewhere for me to settle into.

Working people

 A recent Washington Post article, Must Reads by T,J, Ortenzi, 6/13/2021, gave the following summation of what most workers want, yes better pay but also,

I know of teachers around Oregon and likely the United States who have left positions they have had for several years for a district that provides child care. In our recent chaos, new parents had to make decisions about staying home with a newborn and taking a leave from their teaching because the district refused to accommodate them. It was CDL afterall, why shouldn't a new parent be able to stay home. But in some districts all teachers were expected to come to the school building and do their CDL from their classrooms. Which made the decision for most teachers, stay home do CDL from home for 2/3 pay. Pregnant? Yes, you must attend PLCs in person with your PLC partners, everyone is wearing masks. 

And that is just teachers, I have no idea the impact on other professions. Teachers were expected to give grace to their students, understand how hard this for the students. Yes, yes we know it's hard for you, but no grace for you. Have a difficult time with CDL? Here's the PD for that and now you are fixed and will do better. Engagement a problem? That's on you for not energizing your lessons. 

I personally had a real issue with recognizing students once we got back to in person teaching. I was totally face blind. If a student didn't sit in their assigned seat I marked them absent, because well I couldn't tell who was where most of the time. I was not one of those teachers who marked a student absent because they weren't sitting their designated seat. If I marked a student who was present absent, that was all on me.

I'll be moving on at the end of this school year, in fact only three days left this school year. I have not found a new position yet and thankfully, I have a small nest egg that can carry me for a bit. I will not allow desperation to rule my choices. I will find what I believe to be the best fit for me. I rely on the district I may enter to decide that I am the best fit.

No. 1. Workers want and need child-care options

Many parents don't have full-time schooling options and paying for child care can be very expensive so for some, “there's a calculation that financially, it makes more sense for them to to stay home with their kid, even if they have access to part-time schooling,” Rosenberg said.

This point, like the others on the list, is anecdotal because “there's a substantial lag between what's happening now and the official data analysis,” he said.

Last June, economics correspondent Heather Long cited a lack of child care as one of the biggest things holding back a U.S. recovery. 

Lockdowns may have eased, but child care can be prohibitively expensive. The cost hit an all-time high in 2020, rising 2.2 percent as the economy cratered, according to the Bureau of Economic Analysis.

No. 2. Workers want a nimble safety net and consistency

After this week's story published, Rosenberg talked to a California restaurant owner who had been reaching out to former employees to ask what it would take to get them back to work.

The man said his former employees weren't “lazy” or trying to “milk the system” but had faced so many issues trying to enroll in unemployment benefits that they were wary of returning to workplaces that could easily be shut down again because of another outbreak or lockdown. 

State agencies that administer unemployment benefits have had huge delays, Rosenberg said. And like employees told the business owner: Why risk getting off employment when, six weeks from now, dining restrictions could return and suddenly they're trying to get back on the unemployment system again?

No. 3. Workers want more of a say

Before the pandemic, there was “increased momentum” in labor organizing, Rosenberg said. That didn't translate into substantial enrollment for the nation's unions during the pandemic, but it meant that people were more aware of workers’ asks for safety and greater income equality. 

Last day for Seniors and my last day part 1

 As my seniors walked into class today, I considered my last day of high school. I totally remember it because I had broken my flipper. What is a flipper you ask? Well it is molded thing with one front tooth attached to it. I lost one of my permanent front teeth going down a slide into a pool, going down the "wrong" way and smacking my mouth on the edge of the slide before slipping into the water. Blood everywhere, no I didn't pass out, but mouth swelled up and for some reason the family I was with put an ice pack on it and waited for my mom to pick me at the end of the day. Boy was my mom pissed. Anyway, that delay cost me the tooth, so for all of my middle school years and part of my high school years I had braces with a spacer to keep the space open until the braces came off. I didn't smile in pictures for any of those years. 

Finally my braces came off and I was fitted with a flipper that had a tooth on it. It was annoying and my last day of school I dropped my flipper in the sink and broke off the tooth. I was not going to my last day of school with a hole in my mouth so the orthodontist temporarily glued the flipper back together and I went to my last day of school. 

As I watch my seniors file in for this last day of school, they get to complete watching the movie Home, I think about what their next steps will be. I think about what my next step will be. Will I swallow my anxiety and take the offered Robo interview with an online school that if offering a yearly paycheck so low that I can't live on it. Nearly 50% lower than my current salary. It is with an online school and I am guessing they are thinking that those who apply have a full time teaching job and this one will be a side job. Not for me, not yet anyway. So do I swallow my anxiety and do the interview to the best of my ability? Or do I just ignore the offer of an initial interview? I just don't know at this point.

So this is my last day with students, my students. I fear that I will be stuck with covering for those teachers who are sick or doing whatever and need their classes covered. I hope not. I will begin taking down my posters and boxing the last of my stuff. Last day for me is the 16th. Bright spot is my granddaughters and a grand puppy will be visiting me that week. Then in about 4 or 5 weeks I will be bringing home a new puppy, Boudicca will join the demons and me. She is a silver lab. Yeah, I know, silver! Who knew? 

Critical thinking and Economics?

 In an act of positivity, which is turning towards the negative as I write, I have changed the name of my blog to Teacher and Grammy Tales. Positive because I know I am a good teacher, I would likely be better at a college because of my presentation style, I have been "teaching" for over 30 years. I know my content History and Civics. I find Economics tedious and unnecessary for high school students who are not going to be going into Business or Economics as a profession. 

Why is that? Full disclosure, I have a fear of Math that is somewhat lessened at the ripe old age of 63, learning what a Circular Flow Model is, what the four factors of production are, what the three basic questions of economic are, etc, etc. is not essential. It just isn't. I have been in conversations with Social Studies teachers about Economics and still, no I don't think knowing those things taught as they are where I teach or have taught teaches critical thinking about Economics. It is Math on a slight dose of steroids, but Math all the same. I wholeheartedly believe that Financial Literacy/Personal Finance should be taught, but not by Social Studies teachers. A semester of Finanical Literacy taught through the Math department by lovers of Math or Maths would give students so much more than what they are getting from the Social Studies Department. 

I realize that most states have standards mandating the teaching of Economics, which is where I was two years ago still not being convinced that Economics as it is currently taught and as it is in Oregon's standards is essential. No, I am not hedging here when I say ,"...as it is taught...." Integrate Economics into U.S. History, World History, and Civics. As a standalone all it is doing is taking up space that could be devoted to critical thinking within the context of History and Civics. Maybe some districts and states do it differently and they do teach critical thinking, but I haven't seen it where I teach. It is purely here are the facts, a bit of why and then move on to the next concept. There is some integrating of the basic topics in Economics with each other, but very critical thinking. 

I have just spent 10 weeks over half in CDL, Comprehensive Distance Learning, and in person teaching the academics of Economics. The only concept that students have even a slight grasp of is The Basic Economic Questions, What to produce, how to produce it, and who will buy it. But they can't think critically about those questions. With the context of systems of governments I believe they could begin that process.

For the last week and a half we have been going over Budgets and Budgeting. At the most basic level they get it, you have to stay within a budget.  They understand the why and they understand that going into debt is bad and hard to dig yourself out of. As I wandered around YouTube looking for informative and entertaining videos I have found a set of videos created by Alux that pretty much says poor people are stupid and all they have to do is read/listen to the various books Alux promotes and they will be billionaires. Ok, it doesn't come and say that though the video we watched "15 things poor people waste their money on," does intro with "Where billionaires come...." My new teaching, oh wait admin says I don't know how to teach, goal is do my best to get my students to think critically about all of the Personal Finance/Financial Literacy videos out there. 

I am thinking to begin is to teach some History of Poverty first, from the mouths of historians and maybe economists. Then moving on to videos, self help and not so much help. 

https://youtu.be/-c6115s_Rs4

Chelsea is my new Personal Finance guru. Ok, I've only watched the video I posted here, but still. I have met my personal goal of moving from the negative to the positive in one post! Rant at you later.

The Pandemic boon and not so much

 

Yes, the pandemic was a boon to this woman who has extreme crowd anxiety. A boon and also a back-slide, I have been able to avoid crowds or to put it more distinctly I am in charge of when I engage with others in person. Now with going to “Hermiston Hybrid,” my anxiety is increasing. But I will endure and I will do my best not to inflict it on my students. I have had only three students say they are considering not coming back to in person. I wish instead of dropping all four grades into this “hybrid” situation they had started with 9-10 for two weeks and then moved to adding 11-12. Having all four grades moving about the building, plus staff, should have a learning curve. All of this is dependent on our metrics, though our Governor has said all schools need to move to in person in some fashion by mid April.

While I cannot say that I flourished and thrived under the restrictions of the Pandemic, I did relax. I read and webinared my free time and learned so much about Civics and History. So much that I couldn’t use it with my students because my two Civics/Economics colleagues though both younger and in the profession fewer years than I had the blessing of the admin to arrange, I won’t say dictate, the what and when of both Civics and Economics. I was allowed some input, but my expertise when asked for was ripped apart by the former lawyer each time. So I stopped, I stopped not because I was wrong or had things turned around I stopped because his rapid fire questions never allowed me to think my answers through. After waiting a short time he would begin to  rephrase the same question for me and if I began to talk before he was done, “I hope you don’t do that students. Or I am still talking.” Loudly and angrily. I always wanted to say back, “Is that how you talk to your students?” But my nature does not allow me to be so extrovert, my pathology keeps me from defending myself when confronted with males and some women who see me as below them, allow their misperception of my silence as stupidity or worse acquiescence. It is obvious to me that what I need to do is get all this negative out of me. I start writing a piece and it inevitably begins to get more and more negative. So I stop. Pack that piece away and in a few days move on to something else. I have been trying to write in my old blog every day or at least a few times a week. I will have to continue to do that, to flush bits of negativity out and hopefully to also bring some joy back to my writing.

The Pandemic, time to relax?

 According to an Education Week article, "Rising Numbers of Educators Say Pandemic is now blown out of proportion, Survey says." 

"... nearly 1 of every 3 educators surveyed last month expressed that view."

I have a tendency to hypervigilant. I blame my mother. She was a hypochondriac and would have likely walled herself into the house and requested me to deliver her groceries after, of course, sanitizing everything.

I am not that, but I do worry about students coming to school sick. It's the nature of the beast for some of them. School is important to them and they come sick or not. The other are students who can't seem to keep their masks on correctly, above the nose correctly. I haven't encountered one student who has been belligerent about pulling up their masks. Sometimes there is complaining, but they do it. And I usually either make a general comment about mask wearing or make eye contact and point to my mask and nose.

I appreciate that, they get it and reluctantly comply with the ask. Adults are, well, not so compliant. I went into Walmart the other day and saw family that ran the gamut from no mask to fully masked. It was entertaining and I really wanted to ask them for a picture, but I was afraid the guy would have a fit and I am not up for fits. I'll watch them on Facebook or TV, but not be a party to them in person.

Many educators and school staff are fully vaccinated. Some school staff have refused for whatever freedom of speech reason. I am fully vaccinated and I wear a mask. I am told you can still get the virus, just not as severe so I wear my mask. I have a hoard of masks. I went kind of crazy, after having difficulty getting cute ones early on in the Pandemic, I discovered a slew of cute ones and I have enough to wear one every day for at least a month.

I am more relaxed, just not totally just yet. 

Engaging Students and me

 This is my Achilles Heal, my rolling the stone up the hill endlessly. For over 30 years I have worked hard to know my content. I have paid 1000s of dollars for workshops, webinars, etc that my various admins would not pay for to learn about History. All kinds of History, I saw a course or a workshop that had History content that looked interesting, I took that course or workshop. I am still very very shy of a Masters degree, I've tried twice once in the mid 90's an Interdisciplinary Studies degree to combine my Language Arts and my Social Studies degrees, but I was too slow and the degree dissolved. So I began to focus on History only, History is my happy place. Recently actually attempting a Masters in American History, but my life upended, and I wasn't able to keep up the rigor needed. 

Back to engagement, my introverted nature is pathological. The Pandemic set me back decades. I felt very comfortable with the CDL format. Though I still had engagement issues. Of course other teachers keep telling me they had no clue if there were students behind those ubiquitous dots. But I was held to a standard developed before the shutdown and given little to no help from March 13, 2020 until the beginning of the 2020 2021 school year. No, even though they were out there, I didn't ask for help much at all. I went merrily along knowing in my heart that no matter what I did, I would not be coming back to my present district for 2021 2022 school year. Self-fulfilling, perhaps, but I was rarely told what I was doing right other than, "You really know your content." Yeah, I know that, I know more than you do you nut head. But content knowledge wasn't important, engagement was and I suck at it.  

On not "canceling" the Western literary canon

 In the Washington Post today, an opinion article by Cornel West and Jeremy Tate discuss Howard University's decision to dissolve its Classics Department. "Academia's continual campaign to disregard or neglect the classics is a sign of spiritual decay, moral decline and deep intellectual narrowness running amok in American culture." https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2021/04/19/cornel-west-howard-classics/

I have avoided the "classics" since leaving college over 30 years ago. I continue to have a bad attitude about the importance of reading old white dead guys' works. I do, however, agree with West and Tate that some of our greatest modern and historical activists read and learned from these men and for that reason they should still be taught. I am going to have to do some research to see what my iconic women read to see if they too, read the classics and learned and adapted those readings to fit into their world view.

West and Tate convince me that there is value in reading them, with this new airing of the importance of reading these works I may have to do a reread of some of them. Maybe, perhaps, still not enjoying reading dead white guys so we'll see.

On plans and glitches

 When a teacher is too sick to go to work, they have to make sub plans. I have tried to give sub plans that require more of my students than the sub. I don't know the competency of the sub coming in and having been a sub very early in my career, not knowing the subject can be problematic. Less so in the Social Studies than either Math or Science I think. Though that could be my illiteracy in those two subjects driving my opinion. 

I take far too much constructing lessons for a sub, which sometimes brings about an epiphany about how to move forward after I am back in the classroom. So that is a good consequence. The bad is that students will be poop heads when in the presence of a sub and that is most annoying and while, once I leave teaching at the end of this school year I won't sub, ever. My hope is to find my niche in another district and enjoy teaching again. 

I have not enjoyed teaching for about three years. Despite my conflicts with the teacher I worked with for my first 8 years I enjoyed teaching the students and the ability to teach content I thoroughly loved. As the content of what we were teaching began to shift I had my first year of not enjoying teaching. For the last two years I have been out of the environment I enjoyed teaching content I do not enjoy, or rather only enjoyed part of what I was to teach.

Musings on writing and not writing

 Here are my musings that I add to from time to time for my class. I will be editing some of these and then posting them here.

I have done a lot of writing, in theory. What? Well now that I am looking at unemployment after June,

I wake up in the middle of the night with thoughts of what’s next, what should I do? Should I move on

and embrace my social anxiety which is at the crux, in my opinion, of why I can’t seem to “really”

engage students? Or should I draw a line and stay the course of looking for a traditional position

and hope that the next district is more understanding of my anxiety?

So what does one do when told they are shitty they are a teacher, but have the content down cold?

Sort of a smack on the back of the head and a hand shake in one. I have spent a lot of time and money

getting to know my content, ok, not all the content. Economics does not interest me in the least, even

though I am learning as I am teaching it, oh wait, I don’t know how to teach and engage my students.

So now for the next 8 weeks I will be delivering content sort of like that teacher in

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, “Anyone, Anyone?”

I don’t have the energy for a Master’s Degree, I did try and I did learn lots, but my formatting sucked

and that just drained the fun out of the classes I was taking. I am thinking if I had worked on some

aspect of Education, like curriculum, that I might have made it through. But I chose American History

and formatting is Queen there. I do get it, citation of sources when you are writing about History is

important. Just look at what we have been living through the last four years. Oh and total lack of

understanding of Geography and that territories like Guam are a part of the United States, not foreign

countries. Oh that Majorie Taylor Greene makes me want to barf every time

I see her or hear her words in print.

Write about what you know, what you are passionate about.

I am sort of sick of hearing the word passion attached to careers or jobs.

But I understand that writing about something you could care less about,

like Economics Education, could be a trial and tribulation and

if I had been given the grace of a contract renewal I may have

dug into Economics and how it is taught today with enthusiasm.

Because how it is being taught and how those teachers who love Economics

talk about it being so important is well, IMHO, wearing blinders on.

Do students really need to know what the four factors of production are?

The Three Basic Economic Questions?

What a Circular Flow Model is and how different it looks depending on

what economy you are looking at is?

Does knowing these concepts help students understand the world?

Maybe, it does help me as I am looking at scholarly articles about history.

What do students need to know? My two co teachers think stocks are an important aspect

of Financial Literacy, I don’t. I feel that Financial Literacy is the key to more success than 

you would have without it. Sure stocks can be a part of that, but shouldn’t you be able to

balance a budget first? Shouldn’t you feed and clothe yourself and your family first?

Buying and selling stocks comes after all of that, after you have the leftover funds to experiment

with stocks. Stocks should not go at the top of your budget, meaning you shouldn’t say,

“OK I will put $100 towards stocks this month. If I have to short my rent that’s ok,

I’ll catch up next month.” Not that my co teachers say that is an option,

but when they assign students to track and buy stocks for pretend it makes some

students feel that buying stocks is an important budgetary item. 

As I sit here, monitoring a summative assessment, a student asks,

“when dose spring brake start?” This is a student who comes occasionally and

then comes to the unit assessment unprepared and wants to know when “spring brake,” is.

Because that is at the top of his educational budget.

All the students know they can’t get any lower than 50% on summative assessments,

even if they don’t even try to take the assessment. I’m not sure what we are teaching students?

I know that giving them this kind of grace is not going to help them in the future. 

Gov. DeSantis of Florida is saying Florida’s new Civics mandate will not include

Critical Racial Theory or teaching students to hate America. I am glad I don’t live in Florida

and I am sad for those Civics teachers who are now constrained from giving their students all

the tools to become and practice being and educated citizen. Florida did give felons the

right to vote and is looking at giving them all of their civil rights back. Though I am wondering

if they think Florida prisons are populated by White Supremacists so giving their voting and

civil rights back will give racism a boost in Florida?

Unpacking racism and intolerance in my community is a difficult proposition.

On the one hand I receive an email about student saying she is now identifying as transgender

and her name is now “Marcia” and she wants us to use the pronouns they/their and she/her.

On the other hand she must use the nongendered bathrooms, which means the staff bathrooms. I am happy “Marcia” feels safe enough to tell us this and I am even more happy that the

high school has quickly changed her name from Mike to Marcia in PowerSchool which changes

it in Classroom and Google Meets. We are recently, Tuesday, back full time in person and

I had the students update their introductory What’s My Name slide that I assigned the first week

of the semester. Marcia was brave enough to add this to her slide,

Many people have complimented my outfit when I dressed androgynously

and I have been sure to thank themShe also defined androgynous in class. Very brave of her.

I am sad that a student I had last semester was not as confident about revealing themselves

to their family or the school, other than specific teachers they trusted to know and remain silent.

I have just learned that this student has decided to go back her “given” name

and now has gone back to identifying as female. 

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis(R) on Wednesday unveiled his proposal for a civics education curriculum in the state,

emphasizing it will “expressly exclude” critical race theory.

“A high-quality education begins with a high-quality curriculum, which is why we’re going

to be laser-focused on developing the best possible civics instruction standards,”

DeSantis said at a press conference.

“Florida civics curriculum will incorporate foundational concepts with the best materials,

and it will expressly exclude unsanctioned narratives like critical race theory and other

unsubstantiated theories,” he added.

DeSantis said there is “no room in our classrooms for things like critical race theory,”

adding that “teaching kids to hate their country and to hate each other is not worth

one red cent of taxpayer money.”

He said the state will instead invest in “actual, solid, true curriculum” and will be a

“leader in the development and implementation of a world-class civics education.”

https://thehill.com/homenews/state-watch/543742-desantis-says-florida-school-curriculum-will-expressly-exclude-critical (3/20/2021)

“Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) on Wednesday unveiled his proposal for a civics education

curriculum in the state, emphasizing it will “expressly exclude” critical race theory.”

3/16

Back in person for four days and I am not exhausted as the students interestingly enough.

I gave no new assignments this week and I gave students time in class to catch up,

something I had hoped would happen the week before spring break. But no, not only are

some not utilizing the time wisely, as I expected, they are acting like middle schoolers,

yes, the guys, the young ladies are doing fine and just trying to get through the days and

weeks and graduate. 

3rd period, what am I going to do with you? 35 of you so once I move the problem children

around I will also have to move those students are doing their best. Which really annoys.

35, I would never have had 35 if we were in person from the beginning of the school year,

I have 36 desks so to move without disruption to other is impossible. 3 ft apart, that’s

3ft from the desk center to desk center. Make me long for virtual learning, I could just kick

them out of the Meet as soon as the disruptions started. Argh. 

Today

Such a beautiful day. Maybe once my granddog arrives so his dads can take the weekend

and celebrate the 3rd anniversary of one his dad’s successful heart surgery we will go for

a drive. Anubis, one of the most loving dogs that is not mine that I have met. He is a trained support dog, well sort of almost fully trained. He is six, I think, he has a bit of stranger

aggression issue, hence my statement that he is “almost fully trained.” I wish I had the

money to adopt and have someone train a support dog for me. Not sure that anxiety is

support dog worthy. 

Carving out time for writing is still difficult for me.

There is always something “more important” to do than waste my time writing.

Yes, Family most importantly, my mother specifically I have let hold me back.

My mother died in 1995 and she still influences me. I have never felt the need to impress

her, just always felt that I was a disappointment to her. She was not a touchy feely woman,

though after she died and my father gave me photograph albums I found out that she was

bit of a social buttlerfly, not flitting about, but involved in the doings of Salem and with the

movers and shakers of my hometown.