Believing in Santa

 Do you believe? I do! I had a time where I didn't, but as I grew older I realized that Santa does exist. Physically? Probably not, but as a concept of caring and giving he does exist. He, of course, doesn't exist in everyone unfortunately. I am not one to say he exists in more than a certain someone who was born around this time. Yes, Jesus existed as a real person. It depends on whether you believe he is the son of god or not. Oh no, I didn't capitalize "god". As an agnostic I believe in a higher power and I believe she may intervene from time to time, but it is up to us to embody who she is and be kind to one another. The whole be kind thing is becoming a bit overblown, but kindness is something we are sorely lacking in the world today. 

It's hard to be kind to everyone, I get it. I'm not kind to everyone I am sure. But what I don't do is go out of my way to be unkind. I try to be the best I can be despite being overwhelmed by unemployment and a lack of medical insurance. I think those two things make me sad far to often, I can't see a way out, I don't know how to do anything but teach and I am told and I do agree I am not all that good at it. I am good at research, writing, and lesson planning and like I said yesterday I truly suck at the implementation of lessons. I sometimes think I would be good at teaching adults, but I don't have a Masters and that keeps me from being taken seriously as a teacher of adults. I have always wondered why degrees are so important, there those, like myself who are adept in certain areas despite not having that piece of paper on my wall. Also, the more I read the posts by those working on their Masters I think the arbitrary rules of writing get in the way of some achieving their goal of a Masters. One of the students who just finished his capstone on Mexican Americans really embodies the kind of person I hope I could be someday, running out time perhaps but I hope to read his paper in a journal or maybe even a book someday. I do have great ideas, I just have a real problem with all the rules, yep I'm funny that way. 

My wish for Christmas this year is two-fold: to be able to focus enough to begin to write again and that family can come together sometime in the coming year, altogether. I miss that so much.

sloughing off the negative as best I can, maybe

 It's almost Christmas and I am still not actively searching for a job. I am having second, third, fourth, and tenth thoughts about looking for a teaching position. I have always known I was very very good at research and critical thinking, but not very good and imparting that to students, at least high school students. I am told I am not engaging, that I know my subject, that I can write good plans, but standing up in front of a class of 20+ teenagers? Well that scares the living shit out of me. Last year, once we were back in person, I was sick a lot. I couldn't think straight and I truly sucked at teaching Economics. Truly sucked at it. Likely because Economics is not something I am excited about, so my sucky teaching just got suckier and suckier and of course my smart students noticed. Which should have been embarassing, but I was happy that my perception of my ability in that subject was correct. Though now that I am unstressed I do see that an understanding of some concepts is important. Still don't like it. 

Again I will be alone at Christmas, well alone in the sense that my family will not be coming to see me. I have Boudica, Nala and Evil to keep me company. This year has made me sad on numerous occasions for a variety of reasons. Sad has been a daily state of mind for me, it's just sort of there sitting in the background when I am feeling lonely. I have sat and watched far too much TV when Boudica and I should have been out and about. I set up scenarios in my head, but never complete them. Lately, I have been a bit paranoid when Boudica and I go out late at night for her to pee and poop. I have done a lot dumb and crazy things as a young woman, now as an old woman I think I need to start doing some crazy things. Not dumb, because I have companions that depend on me. I need to take walks with Boudica like I used to do with Destiny and Rasta. Yes, the dog park and a walk up the Butte and maybe a longer walk on the new trails. Shoot Emma and Mouse and I used to take long walks too and then the three of us got old and lazy. 

Well maybe another thing is to write every day. Write down the thoughts I have when I am trying to fall asleep. Maybe letters to my dad, and even my mom. Thoughts on stuff. Yes, must discipline myself to write and walk, must get snow tires so we can go on rides. Yep next week maybe drive to Salem and get those darn tires.

Job searching, not really.

 June 16th of 2021 was my last at Hermiston High School. Also, the last day of what could be my last teaching position. At 64, I am too young to retire fully. Too young for Medicare/Medicaid. Too old, in my mind to go back to a profession that has told me that I can't teach. Ok, they never said I can't teach, just that I cant' engage students. I do not disagree with that, especially when I am teaching a subject, Economics, that I find anachronistic. I did find some of the things within Economics interesting and I see how knowing some things could students in their coming years understand how dependence on a a free market system can hurt the 99%. But teach it in that way and you could get a slap from your administration, trust me. Of course I live and taught in a MAGA central part of my state which stays ever so red, despite the light to dark blue rest of the state. That is a battle cry of this side of my state, impeach our liberal Governor, impeach Biden, restore the order that was dictated by the former President. 

I was always open with my students, I'm a Democrat, though in many things I am a bit more moderate than many. Is that a circumstance of my birth? I am a Libra, lady justice, or maybe more rightly the lady of balance. I was teaching CRT (Critical Racial Theory) before it became the mantra of evil by conservatives. I still believe my lack of engagement of my students was the excuse, though my attempt at balance in teaching Civics was the real reason. Can't really say that teaching truth is reason for dismissal. Well, not in my state anyway.

Here I am 5 months out and still I haven't found the position that calls to me. I am too old to take a position in a district where I am not really wanted. There are many positions available because of teacher burnout, but do I want a position in a district that would do that to its faithful teachers? In my previous post, 5 months ago, I listed a variety things that cause teachers to leave. My former district lost many teachers because of its lack of care for teachers either pregnant or with small children. Other reasons as well, maybe because they couldn't engage their students. But speculation is rumor without facts and I love me some compelling facts. I have none, other than those that involve me. And I can make a guess that our facts about my dismissal are not agreed upon. 

As my retirement nest egg dwindles I am looking at my options. I really think research is my area of expertise. I suck at the presentation, on that I agree with my former district. My anxiety in crowds and meeting new people is crippling. COVID hasn't helped me one bit, though I still think I was ok in CDL and just as good as many of my colleagues, according to them. But I am not a coach, all of my colleagues in my department are and the person who was hired to replace me is also a coach. Ok, he didn't take my job technically, my colleague who was teaching US History, moved into my Civics/Economics position and the new guy got his job. The irony here, is that when I was told I being involuntarily transferred I said I had never taught in regular classroom, always alternative ed, and that I had never taught Economics. At the time I was working on a Masters in American History. My theory is that they were hoping I would resign and move on to another position. They were caught and well when they looked closer at me, they saw someone who didn't do well in a regular classroom setting and began looking for a way to get me out. This could all be paranoia on my part, but I do know I struggled daily with just coming to work each morning for two years, because of my anxiety and the help I was getting from coaches wasn't geared to making me better at engagement, but at preparing lesson plans which they believed would make me a better teacher. My saying this is really hard for me was translated as you need to tighter lesson plans, post your learning goals so that students know what they are learning and adults coming in know what you are teaching. I was sick more in the two years I was teaching in a regular classroom, than I was in the last 7 years. Exposure to twice as many students notwithstanding, anxiety and my inability to get through it was the reason.

I am trudging on ever so slowly and hopefully there will be something somewhere for me to settle into.

Working people

 A recent Washington Post article, Must Reads by T,J, Ortenzi, 6/13/2021, gave the following summation of what most workers want, yes better pay but also,

I know of teachers around Oregon and likely the United States who have left positions they have had for several years for a district that provides child care. In our recent chaos, new parents had to make decisions about staying home with a newborn and taking a leave from their teaching because the district refused to accommodate them. It was CDL afterall, why shouldn't a new parent be able to stay home. But in some districts all teachers were expected to come to the school building and do their CDL from their classrooms. Which made the decision for most teachers, stay home do CDL from home for 2/3 pay. Pregnant? Yes, you must attend PLCs in person with your PLC partners, everyone is wearing masks. 

And that is just teachers, I have no idea the impact on other professions. Teachers were expected to give grace to their students, understand how hard this for the students. Yes, yes we know it's hard for you, but no grace for you. Have a difficult time with CDL? Here's the PD for that and now you are fixed and will do better. Engagement a problem? That's on you for not energizing your lessons. 

I personally had a real issue with recognizing students once we got back to in person teaching. I was totally face blind. If a student didn't sit in their assigned seat I marked them absent, because well I couldn't tell who was where most of the time. I was not one of those teachers who marked a student absent because they weren't sitting their designated seat. If I marked a student who was present absent, that was all on me.

I'll be moving on at the end of this school year, in fact only three days left this school year. I have not found a new position yet and thankfully, I have a small nest egg that can carry me for a bit. I will not allow desperation to rule my choices. I will find what I believe to be the best fit for me. I rely on the district I may enter to decide that I am the best fit.

No. 1. Workers want and need child-care options

Many parents don't have full-time schooling options and paying for child care can be very expensive so for some, “there's a calculation that financially, it makes more sense for them to to stay home with their kid, even if they have access to part-time schooling,” Rosenberg said.

This point, like the others on the list, is anecdotal because “there's a substantial lag between what's happening now and the official data analysis,” he said.

Last June, economics correspondent Heather Long cited a lack of child care as one of the biggest things holding back a U.S. recovery. 

Lockdowns may have eased, but child care can be prohibitively expensive. The cost hit an all-time high in 2020, rising 2.2 percent as the economy cratered, according to the Bureau of Economic Analysis.

No. 2. Workers want a nimble safety net and consistency

After this week's story published, Rosenberg talked to a California restaurant owner who had been reaching out to former employees to ask what it would take to get them back to work.

The man said his former employees weren't “lazy” or trying to “milk the system” but had faced so many issues trying to enroll in unemployment benefits that they were wary of returning to workplaces that could easily be shut down again because of another outbreak or lockdown. 

State agencies that administer unemployment benefits have had huge delays, Rosenberg said. And like employees told the business owner: Why risk getting off employment when, six weeks from now, dining restrictions could return and suddenly they're trying to get back on the unemployment system again?

No. 3. Workers want more of a say

Before the pandemic, there was “increased momentum” in labor organizing, Rosenberg said. That didn't translate into substantial enrollment for the nation's unions during the pandemic, but it meant that people were more aware of workers’ asks for safety and greater income equality. 

Last day for Seniors and my last day part 1

 As my seniors walked into class today, I considered my last day of high school. I totally remember it because I had broken my flipper. What is a flipper you ask? Well it is molded thing with one front tooth attached to it. I lost one of my permanent front teeth going down a slide into a pool, going down the "wrong" way and smacking my mouth on the edge of the slide before slipping into the water. Blood everywhere, no I didn't pass out, but mouth swelled up and for some reason the family I was with put an ice pack on it and waited for my mom to pick me at the end of the day. Boy was my mom pissed. Anyway, that delay cost me the tooth, so for all of my middle school years and part of my high school years I had braces with a spacer to keep the space open until the braces came off. I didn't smile in pictures for any of those years. 

Finally my braces came off and I was fitted with a flipper that had a tooth on it. It was annoying and my last day of school I dropped my flipper in the sink and broke off the tooth. I was not going to my last day of school with a hole in my mouth so the orthodontist temporarily glued the flipper back together and I went to my last day of school. 

As I watch my seniors file in for this last day of school, they get to complete watching the movie Home, I think about what their next steps will be. I think about what my next step will be. Will I swallow my anxiety and take the offered Robo interview with an online school that if offering a yearly paycheck so low that I can't live on it. Nearly 50% lower than my current salary. It is with an online school and I am guessing they are thinking that those who apply have a full time teaching job and this one will be a side job. Not for me, not yet anyway. So do I swallow my anxiety and do the interview to the best of my ability? Or do I just ignore the offer of an initial interview? I just don't know at this point.

So this is my last day with students, my students. I fear that I will be stuck with covering for those teachers who are sick or doing whatever and need their classes covered. I hope not. I will begin taking down my posters and boxing the last of my stuff. Last day for me is the 16th. Bright spot is my granddaughters and a grand puppy will be visiting me that week. Then in about 4 or 5 weeks I will be bringing home a new puppy, Boudicca will join the demons and me. She is a silver lab. Yeah, I know, silver! Who knew? 

Critical thinking and Economics?

 In an act of positivity, which is turning towards the negative as I write, I have changed the name of my blog to Teacher and Grammy Tales. Positive because I know I am a good teacher, I would likely be better at a college because of my presentation style, I have been "teaching" for over 30 years. I know my content History and Civics. I find Economics tedious and unnecessary for high school students who are not going to be going into Business or Economics as a profession. 

Why is that? Full disclosure, I have a fear of Math that is somewhat lessened at the ripe old age of 63, learning what a Circular Flow Model is, what the four factors of production are, what the three basic questions of economic are, etc, etc. is not essential. It just isn't. I have been in conversations with Social Studies teachers about Economics and still, no I don't think knowing those things taught as they are where I teach or have taught teaches critical thinking about Economics. It is Math on a slight dose of steroids, but Math all the same. I wholeheartedly believe that Financial Literacy/Personal Finance should be taught, but not by Social Studies teachers. A semester of Finanical Literacy taught through the Math department by lovers of Math or Maths would give students so much more than what they are getting from the Social Studies Department. 

I realize that most states have standards mandating the teaching of Economics, which is where I was two years ago still not being convinced that Economics as it is currently taught and as it is in Oregon's standards is essential. No, I am not hedging here when I say ,"...as it is taught...." Integrate Economics into U.S. History, World History, and Civics. As a standalone all it is doing is taking up space that could be devoted to critical thinking within the context of History and Civics. Maybe some districts and states do it differently and they do teach critical thinking, but I haven't seen it where I teach. It is purely here are the facts, a bit of why and then move on to the next concept. There is some integrating of the basic topics in Economics with each other, but very critical thinking. 

I have just spent 10 weeks over half in CDL, Comprehensive Distance Learning, and in person teaching the academics of Economics. The only concept that students have even a slight grasp of is The Basic Economic Questions, What to produce, how to produce it, and who will buy it. But they can't think critically about those questions. With the context of systems of governments I believe they could begin that process.

For the last week and a half we have been going over Budgets and Budgeting. At the most basic level they get it, you have to stay within a budget.  They understand the why and they understand that going into debt is bad and hard to dig yourself out of. As I wandered around YouTube looking for informative and entertaining videos I have found a set of videos created by Alux that pretty much says poor people are stupid and all they have to do is read/listen to the various books Alux promotes and they will be billionaires. Ok, it doesn't come and say that though the video we watched "15 things poor people waste their money on," does intro with "Where billionaires come...." My new teaching, oh wait admin says I don't know how to teach, goal is do my best to get my students to think critically about all of the Personal Finance/Financial Literacy videos out there. 

I am thinking to begin is to teach some History of Poverty first, from the mouths of historians and maybe economists. Then moving on to videos, self help and not so much help. 

https://youtu.be/-c6115s_Rs4

Chelsea is my new Personal Finance guru. Ok, I've only watched the video I posted here, but still. I have met my personal goal of moving from the negative to the positive in one post! Rant at you later.

The Pandemic boon and not so much

 

Yes, the pandemic was a boon to this woman who has extreme crowd anxiety. A boon and also a back-slide, I have been able to avoid crowds or to put it more distinctly I am in charge of when I engage with others in person. Now with going to “Hermiston Hybrid,” my anxiety is increasing. But I will endure and I will do my best not to inflict it on my students. I have had only three students say they are considering not coming back to in person. I wish instead of dropping all four grades into this “hybrid” situation they had started with 9-10 for two weeks and then moved to adding 11-12. Having all four grades moving about the building, plus staff, should have a learning curve. All of this is dependent on our metrics, though our Governor has said all schools need to move to in person in some fashion by mid April.

While I cannot say that I flourished and thrived under the restrictions of the Pandemic, I did relax. I read and webinared my free time and learned so much about Civics and History. So much that I couldn’t use it with my students because my two Civics/Economics colleagues though both younger and in the profession fewer years than I had the blessing of the admin to arrange, I won’t say dictate, the what and when of both Civics and Economics. I was allowed some input, but my expertise when asked for was ripped apart by the former lawyer each time. So I stopped, I stopped not because I was wrong or had things turned around I stopped because his rapid fire questions never allowed me to think my answers through. After waiting a short time he would begin to  rephrase the same question for me and if I began to talk before he was done, “I hope you don’t do that students. Or I am still talking.” Loudly and angrily. I always wanted to say back, “Is that how you talk to your students?” But my nature does not allow me to be so extrovert, my pathology keeps me from defending myself when confronted with males and some women who see me as below them, allow their misperception of my silence as stupidity or worse acquiescence. It is obvious to me that what I need to do is get all this negative out of me. I start writing a piece and it inevitably begins to get more and more negative. So I stop. Pack that piece away and in a few days move on to something else. I have been trying to write in my old blog every day or at least a few times a week. I will have to continue to do that, to flush bits of negativity out and hopefully to also bring some joy back to my writing.

The Pandemic, time to relax?

 According to an Education Week article, "Rising Numbers of Educators Say Pandemic is now blown out of proportion, Survey says." 

"... nearly 1 of every 3 educators surveyed last month expressed that view."

I have a tendency to hypervigilant. I blame my mother. She was a hypochondriac and would have likely walled herself into the house and requested me to deliver her groceries after, of course, sanitizing everything.

I am not that, but I do worry about students coming to school sick. It's the nature of the beast for some of them. School is important to them and they come sick or not. The other are students who can't seem to keep their masks on correctly, above the nose correctly. I haven't encountered one student who has been belligerent about pulling up their masks. Sometimes there is complaining, but they do it. And I usually either make a general comment about mask wearing or make eye contact and point to my mask and nose.

I appreciate that, they get it and reluctantly comply with the ask. Adults are, well, not so compliant. I went into Walmart the other day and saw family that ran the gamut from no mask to fully masked. It was entertaining and I really wanted to ask them for a picture, but I was afraid the guy would have a fit and I am not up for fits. I'll watch them on Facebook or TV, but not be a party to them in person.

Many educators and school staff are fully vaccinated. Some school staff have refused for whatever freedom of speech reason. I am fully vaccinated and I wear a mask. I am told you can still get the virus, just not as severe so I wear my mask. I have a hoard of masks. I went kind of crazy, after having difficulty getting cute ones early on in the Pandemic, I discovered a slew of cute ones and I have enough to wear one every day for at least a month.

I am more relaxed, just not totally just yet. 

Engaging Students and me

 This is my Achilles Heal, my rolling the stone up the hill endlessly. For over 30 years I have worked hard to know my content. I have paid 1000s of dollars for workshops, webinars, etc that my various admins would not pay for to learn about History. All kinds of History, I saw a course or a workshop that had History content that looked interesting, I took that course or workshop. I am still very very shy of a Masters degree, I've tried twice once in the mid 90's an Interdisciplinary Studies degree to combine my Language Arts and my Social Studies degrees, but I was too slow and the degree dissolved. So I began to focus on History only, History is my happy place. Recently actually attempting a Masters in American History, but my life upended, and I wasn't able to keep up the rigor needed. 

Back to engagement, my introverted nature is pathological. The Pandemic set me back decades. I felt very comfortable with the CDL format. Though I still had engagement issues. Of course other teachers keep telling me they had no clue if there were students behind those ubiquitous dots. But I was held to a standard developed before the shutdown and given little to no help from March 13, 2020 until the beginning of the 2020 2021 school year. No, even though they were out there, I didn't ask for help much at all. I went merrily along knowing in my heart that no matter what I did, I would not be coming back to my present district for 2021 2022 school year. Self-fulfilling, perhaps, but I was rarely told what I was doing right other than, "You really know your content." Yeah, I know that, I know more than you do you nut head. But content knowledge wasn't important, engagement was and I suck at it.  

On not "canceling" the Western literary canon

 In the Washington Post today, an opinion article by Cornel West and Jeremy Tate discuss Howard University's decision to dissolve its Classics Department. "Academia's continual campaign to disregard or neglect the classics is a sign of spiritual decay, moral decline and deep intellectual narrowness running amok in American culture." https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2021/04/19/cornel-west-howard-classics/

I have avoided the "classics" since leaving college over 30 years ago. I continue to have a bad attitude about the importance of reading old white dead guys' works. I do, however, agree with West and Tate that some of our greatest modern and historical activists read and learned from these men and for that reason they should still be taught. I am going to have to do some research to see what my iconic women read to see if they too, read the classics and learned and adapted those readings to fit into their world view.

West and Tate convince me that there is value in reading them, with this new airing of the importance of reading these works I may have to do a reread of some of them. Maybe, perhaps, still not enjoying reading dead white guys so we'll see.

On plans and glitches

 When a teacher is too sick to go to work, they have to make sub plans. I have tried to give sub plans that require more of my students than the sub. I don't know the competency of the sub coming in and having been a sub very early in my career, not knowing the subject can be problematic. Less so in the Social Studies than either Math or Science I think. Though that could be my illiteracy in those two subjects driving my opinion. 

I take far too much constructing lessons for a sub, which sometimes brings about an epiphany about how to move forward after I am back in the classroom. So that is a good consequence. The bad is that students will be poop heads when in the presence of a sub and that is most annoying and while, once I leave teaching at the end of this school year I won't sub, ever. My hope is to find my niche in another district and enjoy teaching again. 

I have not enjoyed teaching for about three years. Despite my conflicts with the teacher I worked with for my first 8 years I enjoyed teaching the students and the ability to teach content I thoroughly loved. As the content of what we were teaching began to shift I had my first year of not enjoying teaching. For the last two years I have been out of the environment I enjoyed teaching content I do not enjoy, or rather only enjoyed part of what I was to teach.

Musings on writing and not writing

 Here are my musings that I add to from time to time for my class. I will be editing some of these and then posting them here.

I have done a lot of writing, in theory. What? Well now that I am looking at unemployment after June,

I wake up in the middle of the night with thoughts of what’s next, what should I do? Should I move on

and embrace my social anxiety which is at the crux, in my opinion, of why I can’t seem to “really”

engage students? Or should I draw a line and stay the course of looking for a traditional position

and hope that the next district is more understanding of my anxiety?

So what does one do when told they are shitty they are a teacher, but have the content down cold?

Sort of a smack on the back of the head and a hand shake in one. I have spent a lot of time and money

getting to know my content, ok, not all the content. Economics does not interest me in the least, even

though I am learning as I am teaching it, oh wait, I don’t know how to teach and engage my students.

So now for the next 8 weeks I will be delivering content sort of like that teacher in

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, “Anyone, Anyone?”

I don’t have the energy for a Master’s Degree, I did try and I did learn lots, but my formatting sucked

and that just drained the fun out of the classes I was taking. I am thinking if I had worked on some

aspect of Education, like curriculum, that I might have made it through. But I chose American History

and formatting is Queen there. I do get it, citation of sources when you are writing about History is

important. Just look at what we have been living through the last four years. Oh and total lack of

understanding of Geography and that territories like Guam are a part of the United States, not foreign

countries. Oh that Majorie Taylor Greene makes me want to barf every time

I see her or hear her words in print.

Write about what you know, what you are passionate about.

I am sort of sick of hearing the word passion attached to careers or jobs.

But I understand that writing about something you could care less about,

like Economics Education, could be a trial and tribulation and

if I had been given the grace of a contract renewal I may have

dug into Economics and how it is taught today with enthusiasm.

Because how it is being taught and how those teachers who love Economics

talk about it being so important is well, IMHO, wearing blinders on.

Do students really need to know what the four factors of production are?

The Three Basic Economic Questions?

What a Circular Flow Model is and how different it looks depending on

what economy you are looking at is?

Does knowing these concepts help students understand the world?

Maybe, it does help me as I am looking at scholarly articles about history.

What do students need to know? My two co teachers think stocks are an important aspect

of Financial Literacy, I don’t. I feel that Financial Literacy is the key to more success than 

you would have without it. Sure stocks can be a part of that, but shouldn’t you be able to

balance a budget first? Shouldn’t you feed and clothe yourself and your family first?

Buying and selling stocks comes after all of that, after you have the leftover funds to experiment

with stocks. Stocks should not go at the top of your budget, meaning you shouldn’t say,

“OK I will put $100 towards stocks this month. If I have to short my rent that’s ok,

I’ll catch up next month.” Not that my co teachers say that is an option,

but when they assign students to track and buy stocks for pretend it makes some

students feel that buying stocks is an important budgetary item. 

As I sit here, monitoring a summative assessment, a student asks,

“when dose spring brake start?” This is a student who comes occasionally and

then comes to the unit assessment unprepared and wants to know when “spring brake,” is.

Because that is at the top of his educational budget.

All the students know they can’t get any lower than 50% on summative assessments,

even if they don’t even try to take the assessment. I’m not sure what we are teaching students?

I know that giving them this kind of grace is not going to help them in the future. 

Gov. DeSantis of Florida is saying Florida’s new Civics mandate will not include

Critical Racial Theory or teaching students to hate America. I am glad I don’t live in Florida

and I am sad for those Civics teachers who are now constrained from giving their students all

the tools to become and practice being and educated citizen. Florida did give felons the

right to vote and is looking at giving them all of their civil rights back. Though I am wondering

if they think Florida prisons are populated by White Supremacists so giving their voting and

civil rights back will give racism a boost in Florida?

Unpacking racism and intolerance in my community is a difficult proposition.

On the one hand I receive an email about student saying she is now identifying as transgender

and her name is now “Marcia” and she wants us to use the pronouns they/their and she/her.

On the other hand she must use the nongendered bathrooms, which means the staff bathrooms. I am happy “Marcia” feels safe enough to tell us this and I am even more happy that the

high school has quickly changed her name from Mike to Marcia in PowerSchool which changes

it in Classroom and Google Meets. We are recently, Tuesday, back full time in person and

I had the students update their introductory What’s My Name slide that I assigned the first week

of the semester. Marcia was brave enough to add this to her slide,

Many people have complimented my outfit when I dressed androgynously

and I have been sure to thank themShe also defined androgynous in class. Very brave of her.

I am sad that a student I had last semester was not as confident about revealing themselves

to their family or the school, other than specific teachers they trusted to know and remain silent.

I have just learned that this student has decided to go back her “given” name

and now has gone back to identifying as female. 

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis(R) on Wednesday unveiled his proposal for a civics education curriculum in the state,

emphasizing it will “expressly exclude” critical race theory.

“A high-quality education begins with a high-quality curriculum, which is why we’re going

to be laser-focused on developing the best possible civics instruction standards,”

DeSantis said at a press conference.

“Florida civics curriculum will incorporate foundational concepts with the best materials,

and it will expressly exclude unsanctioned narratives like critical race theory and other

unsubstantiated theories,” he added.

DeSantis said there is “no room in our classrooms for things like critical race theory,”

adding that “teaching kids to hate their country and to hate each other is not worth

one red cent of taxpayer money.”

He said the state will instead invest in “actual, solid, true curriculum” and will be a

“leader in the development and implementation of a world-class civics education.”

https://thehill.com/homenews/state-watch/543742-desantis-says-florida-school-curriculum-will-expressly-exclude-critical (3/20/2021)

“Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) on Wednesday unveiled his proposal for a civics education

curriculum in the state, emphasizing it will “expressly exclude” critical race theory.”

3/16

Back in person for four days and I am not exhausted as the students interestingly enough.

I gave no new assignments this week and I gave students time in class to catch up,

something I had hoped would happen the week before spring break. But no, not only are

some not utilizing the time wisely, as I expected, they are acting like middle schoolers,

yes, the guys, the young ladies are doing fine and just trying to get through the days and

weeks and graduate. 

3rd period, what am I going to do with you? 35 of you so once I move the problem children

around I will also have to move those students are doing their best. Which really annoys.

35, I would never have had 35 if we were in person from the beginning of the school year,

I have 36 desks so to move without disruption to other is impossible. 3 ft apart, that’s

3ft from the desk center to desk center. Make me long for virtual learning, I could just kick

them out of the Meet as soon as the disruptions started. Argh. 

Today

Such a beautiful day. Maybe once my granddog arrives so his dads can take the weekend

and celebrate the 3rd anniversary of one his dad’s successful heart surgery we will go for

a drive. Anubis, one of the most loving dogs that is not mine that I have met. He is a trained support dog, well sort of almost fully trained. He is six, I think, he has a bit of stranger

aggression issue, hence my statement that he is “almost fully trained.” I wish I had the

money to adopt and have someone train a support dog for me. Not sure that anxiety is

support dog worthy. 

Carving out time for writing is still difficult for me.

There is always something “more important” to do than waste my time writing.

Yes, Family most importantly, my mother specifically I have let hold me back.

My mother died in 1995 and she still influences me. I have never felt the need to impress

her, just always felt that I was a disappointment to her. She was not a touchy feely woman,

though after she died and my father gave me photograph albums I found out that she was

bit of a social buttlerfly, not flitting about, but involved in the doings of Salem and with the

movers and shakers of my hometown. 

Oh my two years since my last post

That title sounds like I am in confession. Feels like confession just a bit. I am trying to get into writing, I am trying to write more. I will hopefully write more. I am in an actual writing for publication class. I paid the tuition fee because I was hoping to rekindle my writing. It is working, slowly, ever so slowly. So here is my attempt to break out of my frozen state.

I am frozen

I can move and talk but I am still frozen

I reach for words to teach lessons to students

Some are also frozen and can hear as I talk, but don’t seem to internalize even the most mundane of words and phrases

We are frozen, Sometimes we thaw, but not for long

Some of my students say they are just done with all of it, ready to go back to normal

But what is normal? My normal is not their individual normals. 

I sit frozen with my mask on as I teach virtually

I stand frozen with my mask on as I teach in person

Why aren’t you engaging the students, why … can’t … you … engage … them?

I sit frozen as I listen to the evaluation that will lead to no longer teaching here

I am frozen

I sit on my couch frozen teary-eyed watching my old Emma move about the apartment slowly and deliberately. Blind as the proverbial bat, but without the sonar to help her navigate. 

I sit frozen watching Emma try to stand up, try to walk, try to move about without walking into obstacles.

I do not move the obstacles in the hope that she can get the routine of the apartment and navigate without the sonar that all of my other blind dogs seemed to have had.

I sit frozen as she pees or poops and then falls into it because she is losing the ability to use her back legs. 

I sit frozen as I make the decision that this is how she is telling me it is time. Just like her to be so ambiguous. My other dogs, blind or not, looked me straight in the eyes and told me, “My companion it is time.” Their eyes saying it, “I have lived a long and happy life.” 

Am I frozen?

The world, or at least my small part of it, doesn’t likely see it unless they know me. I see the ads on TV and memes illustrating how people like me, with depression and/or anxiety, present a relaxed/happy public face to others. 

So while I feel frozen in place, others do not see me that way. 

Todd, my neighbor, sees and mentions it to me when we have gone shopping over the last year. 

He sees the freeze I try to conceal. 

His empathy helps most times. But I am still frozen.

To thaw the freeze I need to get out more, not with people just yet, but maybe hikes alone or perhaps I can borrow Anubis. Anubis is always so delighted to see me.

Anubis thaws me.