Believing in Santa

 Do you believe? I do! I had a time where I didn't, but as I grew older I realized that Santa does exist. Physically? Probably not, but as a concept of caring and giving he does exist. He, of course, doesn't exist in everyone unfortunately. I am not one to say he exists in more than a certain someone who was born around this time. Yes, Jesus existed as a real person. It depends on whether you believe he is the son of god or not. Oh no, I didn't capitalize "god". As an agnostic I believe in a higher power and I believe she may intervene from time to time, but it is up to us to embody who she is and be kind to one another. The whole be kind thing is becoming a bit overblown, but kindness is something we are sorely lacking in the world today. 

It's hard to be kind to everyone, I get it. I'm not kind to everyone I am sure. But what I don't do is go out of my way to be unkind. I try to be the best I can be despite being overwhelmed by unemployment and a lack of medical insurance. I think those two things make me sad far to often, I can't see a way out, I don't know how to do anything but teach and I am told and I do agree I am not all that good at it. I am good at research, writing, and lesson planning and like I said yesterday I truly suck at the implementation of lessons. I sometimes think I would be good at teaching adults, but I don't have a Masters and that keeps me from being taken seriously as a teacher of adults. I have always wondered why degrees are so important, there those, like myself who are adept in certain areas despite not having that piece of paper on my wall. Also, the more I read the posts by those working on their Masters I think the arbitrary rules of writing get in the way of some achieving their goal of a Masters. One of the students who just finished his capstone on Mexican Americans really embodies the kind of person I hope I could be someday, running out time perhaps but I hope to read his paper in a journal or maybe even a book someday. I do have great ideas, I just have a real problem with all the rules, yep I'm funny that way. 

My wish for Christmas this year is two-fold: to be able to focus enough to begin to write again and that family can come together sometime in the coming year, altogether. I miss that so much.

sloughing off the negative as best I can, maybe

 It's almost Christmas and I am still not actively searching for a job. I am having second, third, fourth, and tenth thoughts about looking for a teaching position. I have always known I was very very good at research and critical thinking, but not very good and imparting that to students, at least high school students. I am told I am not engaging, that I know my subject, that I can write good plans, but standing up in front of a class of 20+ teenagers? Well that scares the living shit out of me. Last year, once we were back in person, I was sick a lot. I couldn't think straight and I truly sucked at teaching Economics. Truly sucked at it. Likely because Economics is not something I am excited about, so my sucky teaching just got suckier and suckier and of course my smart students noticed. Which should have been embarassing, but I was happy that my perception of my ability in that subject was correct. Though now that I am unstressed I do see that an understanding of some concepts is important. Still don't like it. 

Again I will be alone at Christmas, well alone in the sense that my family will not be coming to see me. I have Boudica, Nala and Evil to keep me company. This year has made me sad on numerous occasions for a variety of reasons. Sad has been a daily state of mind for me, it's just sort of there sitting in the background when I am feeling lonely. I have sat and watched far too much TV when Boudica and I should have been out and about. I set up scenarios in my head, but never complete them. Lately, I have been a bit paranoid when Boudica and I go out late at night for her to pee and poop. I have done a lot dumb and crazy things as a young woman, now as an old woman I think I need to start doing some crazy things. Not dumb, because I have companions that depend on me. I need to take walks with Boudica like I used to do with Destiny and Rasta. Yes, the dog park and a walk up the Butte and maybe a longer walk on the new trails. Shoot Emma and Mouse and I used to take long walks too and then the three of us got old and lazy. 

Well maybe another thing is to write every day. Write down the thoughts I have when I am trying to fall asleep. Maybe letters to my dad, and even my mom. Thoughts on stuff. Yes, must discipline myself to write and walk, must get snow tires so we can go on rides. Yep next week maybe drive to Salem and get those darn tires.