sloughing off the negative as best I can, maybe

 It's almost Christmas and I am still not actively searching for a job. I am having second, third, fourth, and tenth thoughts about looking for a teaching position. I have always known I was very very good at research and critical thinking, but not very good and imparting that to students, at least high school students. I am told I am not engaging, that I know my subject, that I can write good plans, but standing up in front of a class of 20+ teenagers? Well that scares the living shit out of me. Last year, once we were back in person, I was sick a lot. I couldn't think straight and I truly sucked at teaching Economics. Truly sucked at it. Likely because Economics is not something I am excited about, so my sucky teaching just got suckier and suckier and of course my smart students noticed. Which should have been embarassing, but I was happy that my perception of my ability in that subject was correct. Though now that I am unstressed I do see that an understanding of some concepts is important. Still don't like it. 

Again I will be alone at Christmas, well alone in the sense that my family will not be coming to see me. I have Boudica, Nala and Evil to keep me company. This year has made me sad on numerous occasions for a variety of reasons. Sad has been a daily state of mind for me, it's just sort of there sitting in the background when I am feeling lonely. I have sat and watched far too much TV when Boudica and I should have been out and about. I set up scenarios in my head, but never complete them. Lately, I have been a bit paranoid when Boudica and I go out late at night for her to pee and poop. I have done a lot dumb and crazy things as a young woman, now as an old woman I think I need to start doing some crazy things. Not dumb, because I have companions that depend on me. I need to take walks with Boudica like I used to do with Destiny and Rasta. Yes, the dog park and a walk up the Butte and maybe a longer walk on the new trails. Shoot Emma and Mouse and I used to take long walks too and then the three of us got old and lazy. 

Well maybe another thing is to write every day. Write down the thoughts I have when I am trying to fall asleep. Maybe letters to my dad, and even my mom. Thoughts on stuff. Yes, must discipline myself to write and walk, must get snow tires so we can go on rides. Yep next week maybe drive to Salem and get those darn tires.