I watch far too much TV, as I have admitted before, the last program I watched is titled Worst Witch and stars Bella Ramsey, yes that one. Envy was sort of the anchor trope of the episode I just watched and it got me thinking about why envy is a bad thing, one of the seven deadlies. But as with a few of the other deadlies I think it is a matter of degree. If you let one, like envy, overtake you then you lose yourself in it. If you embrace it as a positive then, I believe, you master it and use it to your advantage. Not sure if that works with all of the deadlies, but envy can motivate you to better yourself. I am not sure once you do that if it still envy, since the bad connotations are prevalent in society today. Back to Worst Witch, it is a nice show with lots of tropes that annoy me, but then it is made for tweens afterall.
Family is a part of the show, all the young witches are in a witch boarding school, sound familiar? No wizards however, which I find very interesting. There is one, but he is a bit daft after being turned into a toad/frog for several years. School as family is what many schools strive for, complete with the "evil" siblings and adults. School that is a sore subject for me. I never felt a part of the high school, especially that last two years. I cared about the students, loved creating lesson plans and the research. What broke me, especially when I was teaching in the "regular" school, was any all and interactions of more than three or four. I couldn't overcome it, maybe because I hated teaching Economics, a course I think is stupid in high school, and then the plague hit and I thought cool no real life interactions, all virtual, but then it was Economics and I hated it. So I shot myself in the foot instead of getting help with the anxiety I thought that learning more about teaching would help and it didn't. Teaching is now behind me, I couldn't afford to renew my teaching certificate so I am certificateless and retired. Now for my pension to start up, which is going to happen by the 1st of November so I don't get evicted. Capeco may be helping out with the back rent, I am worthy because I was an idiot.
But the ... shoot lost my train of thought there. What I have learned is that one of the things I never could do, rely on others, is also something that helped in my downfall as a teacher. I can do this on my own was my mantra, I must do it on my own to prove my worth. That is the "evil" part of pride and I that led to my losing my love of teaching. Realization of that will not help me get back to teaching, but it does help me relax and accept what I did wrong. I keep getting these so-called positive memes that say to no dwell on the past, but I think they miss the point of looking back. Sure it isn't helpful to get depressed about what you did wrong, but it is helpful to dig in and learn from the past. The other positive memes make me feel good actually, none are directed at me of course, but they brighten my mood. The ones that say wealth and a dream house are coming my way, are a bit over the top. I don't need to be wealthy and my dream house is a 70 year old beach house that my parents and god parents built in the 60's. When I think about wealthy, I remember way back to when malls were in their heyday and I was shopping with a friend and we were talking about being rich and I said that to me, being rich is being able to go shopping and not have to look at the price tags. I still believe that, but now I have to add having family and friends close and sharing holidays with all of them. Like we used to do when I little, at least the Forcier part of the holidays. I won't go down the Richardson road, because they have basically washed their hands of me. Without Brion and Joanne, the Richardsons are so much less. But that is on them.
When I was at my worst, the Richardson side let me down. Over the last months the Forciers have shown that they will come to each other's and even my sorry ass's aid. For that I am forever grateful to them. I do still care about the Richardsons they are family after all. Family is a bit troublesome for me currently. But then I am far away and unable to go to them. I am hoping that will change as my finances begin to recover. Finance problems because, again, I am an idiot.
Family is important and should never be taken for granted.
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