Thoughts on parents

I have been watching a lot of TV. In an effort to keep expenses to a minimum until my pension kicks I watch a lot of, far too much of TV. Lately everything I watch that has families makes me cry. I have always been a weeper during movies, documentaries, and TV shows. My daughter didn't like to go the movie with me because I would laugh when no else did. I told her it wasn't my fault that I got the joke and the rest of audience didn't. 

Families have an interesting position in films and TV. Nearly all are far more interesting than mine. That is the nature of the beast, because these made up families much hold the attention of a variety of viewers. The more complicated and darker families dwelled on daytime TV for the most, with the happy and positive families living on sitcoms. I Love Lucy was favorite in my home when I was young. It came as no surprise to me that slept in twin beds, because my parents didn't even sleep in the same bedroom. That was normal to me, "Your dad snores so loudly I can't sleep." Was the answer I received when I asked, I have no memory of asking however. My family was typical white middle class of the 50s and 60s, though my mother did work outside the home and I had a nanny. Watching TV during the 60s I saw reflections of myself and my family. Until other races started popping in sitcoms during the 70s I never thought about other races. There were none, other than the Chinese family who owned the Chinese restaurant, in my frame. 

My parents were good to me. My dad was wonderful. My mom distant and also pushing me to a variety of activities I didn't want to do. Even then I had anxiety being in groups of people I didn't know. I had a few friends as a young child, I believe all vetted by my mother. It wasn't until Junior High that I found friends on my own and Julie and Sue were BBFs through middle and high school. We lost touch after, primarily all my fault. I went to college made new friends, though at least three slightly vetted by my mother I believe. Now I have few who I call friend and that is all my fault. I made casual friendships with colleagues, but none deep and now I see them only on Facebook. I had one friend before moving here who was my polar opposite; she is outgoing and loud. I fell away from her for some reason I cannot put words to, we kept in virtual touch until she lost her mind and became a Trump supporter hook line and sinker. Another former colleague who I kept in touch did the same thing. I'm not sure who unfriended who first, but both are no longer on my feed. 

I'll talk boyfriends later. 

Back to parents on TV and film. Now families are much more reflective of society, somewhat. Though still there are far too many middle class families who live in homes I am pretty sure most middle class people in the real world can't afford. I was not a Friends fan, I did watch it from time to time, but not a fan. Later of course it was criticized for having working class 20 somethings living in a loft in New York City. During college I watched far too much day time dramas, General Hospital, Young and the Restless, and whatever drama Ericka Kane lived in. Families in sitcoms lived the good life for the most part, even those who didn't seem to have jobs that paid enough the homes they lived in. Sanford and Son was, for me, a new look into lives I had no clue about. Accurate? No idea. Without doing any research, a good portrayal of a working class family. Archie Bunker was, I think, a more accurate portrayal of a white working class family than most.

Today, film and TV still have issues with accurately portraying families. But again, would we watch if it wasn't interesting or a reflection of what we all think is the American Dream? I watch a lot of animated films, because they are an interesting mix of families who love each other and even hate each other. Jealousy usually being a dark thing that corrupts the holder of the jealousy and, for a time, hurts the objects of the jealousy. When I watch Encanto, which I love, I see the grandmother being controlling and behaving much like my mother, or at least how I saw my mother behaving. There was only me to control, ok and my dad, but molding into her image what her family should be is very much my mother. How the family is perceived by others being the driving force. Disney has a knack for the good and satisfying ending. They have branched off from that model and are stumbling. But the grandmother in Encanto they are tossing that which doesn't fit their current belief. 

Disney is removing films and shows for some reason, I realize there was some kind of purge which included Hulu, but their rationale is beyond me. They are making mistakes about their programming and either refuse to see or can't see what they are doing is a mistake. I recently logged on to Disney+ and discovered that while they are removing some fairly decent shows and replacing them with a bunch of old and maybe new unscripted reality junk like Storage Wars, which I admit I watched until the channel, A&E?, they were on cancelled Longmire. Longmire now sits on Netflix and either Paramount or Peacock. Disney's mistake may be that they listen to reply rather than listen to learn. Yes, I stole that from meme or other. Disney+ has Marvel and Star Wars and is not listening, this is a time where you should look back and learn and see. Loki does well because as an antihero he is someone we like. Love and Thunder failed, because in my opinion Disney is listening to a bunch of incels who can't grasp a female hero. Also likely why Captain Marvel hasn't had a second volume. If you look at Marvel's films, I can't speak for the graphic novels/comics, you see a bunch of male heroes being assisted by strong women, even saving the universes. The Red Witch becomes evil after losing her lover, because that is what women do, especially those who are witches. They embrace the dark and evil and retaliate. The Winter Soldier is redeemable, but she is not? Natasha sacrifices herself because Clint has a family. 

I feel that Disney has difficulty with strong women who cannot or will not be labeled princesses. Families in Disney are side stories, they rarely take center stage. They are there in the background, usually supportive and loving, but never in the forefront. Pepper comes to the Avengers aid in Endgame and teams with the other women: Shuri who will become Black Panther, Captain Marvel, Wanda, Hope, and Valkerie. That is a match up I would like to see in a movie. 

Families have been an interesting mix in novels, film and TV. Sometimes portrayed accurately and sometimes not. Families are complicated. 

Slowly doing better

 Having to rely on Joseph was not stressful at all. He is a good man. Exasperating, but a good man. His faith is his companion, that sounds a bit lame. But I have faith in his faith in God. Kind people live not so much in the shadows, but backstage waiting to help, encourage, even harass those they encounter in the right ways.

My Facebook feed has been overrun with positive meme sites. Some are very very good and encouraging, others make me wriggle up my face in wonder, like, "You will get all the money you have wished for," "Affirm and riches will come your way." Stuff like that, friendship and family are the foundation on which we build our "wealth." The more I worry and stress about money, the more I know that while I need money I don't need to drip in it. Sure it would be great to have the money I need to buy the beach house my parents built, a dream that could happen perhaps, but I go back to what I used think about money: enough to pay bills, enough to road trip a few times a month, enough to help my family when they need it. 

So back to my original statement about relying on Joseph, he encouraged me and was a sounding board. I am now relying on the controllers of my pension and an agency helping me pay my rent this month and that so far is somewhat helping with stress. Ok it's just the agency that is helping me with my rent. I had been awaiting confirmation of the app I turned in three weeks ago and just found out yesterday that according to the agency my landlord hadn't sent their info in. The landlord says that they did, then today I get a call from the person reviewing my application and I find out they can't/won't help people who do not have the ability to maintain their household. I actually get that requirement because if they help someone with rent and then they don't have the ability to pay their rent in the future the agency help really isn't that helpful. 

What is horrible is that rental assistance, that payment that covers part of a person's rent runs out of funds. I, thankfully, receive enough from social security to pay my rent, not all of my bills but at least the rent, utilities, and Internet. When my pension arrives, sometime in the next 92 days according to the email I received, I will be fine. Hopefully, enough to save a few dollars a month. Back to renter's assistance, there are people, I was one, that could be homeless because they can't pay their rent. When I look at what I pay for rent, I could surely pay a mortgage, but because currently I have a low income, I can't qualify.  Again I pine for the beach house. Sigh....

I am babbling, which is what I do when I am stressed. I have overcome a few of my stressed out issues, but not that one. I get overly vocal and sometimes overshare. Ok, what I call overshare because obviously I don't blog, though I do in my head. Hmmmm maybe pop in a blog entry more often. 

I am slowly doing better, I have been forced to rely on others which is my Achilles heel. Also probably one reason I am no longer teaching. I used to love teaching but then I lost that love and I couldn't rekindle it. I have no desire to sub, that would be my hell. I am seeking a retirement passion, though I hate using use the word passion. I very much enjoy reading and writing and researching. Figuring out how to combine those is a new goal. 

Not doing well at all

 I rarely come and write. I hope to do better, I always hope to do better. The last few months have been lonely and awful. Awful in the sense that I couldn't get the motivation to complete forms and requirements for my pension and social security. I am so not sure why, I couldn't even open the tablet up to find those things I need to do to not lose my apartment, phone, internet, etc. So now I have exactly 14.00 to my name. Luckily the furry family has their food, though cat food is running low and I 14.00 is not enough to buy them a bag of food. 

I have filled out the forms for social security and, sadly, SNAP. The later being extremely complicated to fill out. My pension paperwork has to be completed before next Friday and they don't accept electronic submissions for some reason, likely because they need a notary. So I need to Fax the packet and don't have enough money to do that. 

I have also had to ask my son for money to pay this month's bills and I'm not sure he can help. I could lose my apartment on my birthday, happy birthday to me. Those who help with rent are all dry of funds, which I find particularly sad, not just for me but for those who are worse than me. I will eventually have my pension and social security to help. I am hoping I will only have to access SNAP for this month and October. With gas up 5.00 or more a gallon I can't afford to drive around to the organizations in person.

I gave a box of cans and bottles to a gentleman combing through our trash bins and that felt good. He kept thanking me even as I walked away. Giving is far more easy for me than asking for help. Especially when what I need is about 2000.00 to catch up all my bills, but my credit card. 

People want to be kind, but other than saying I am not doing well on Facebook, yes Facebook. Sigh, I hate social media, ok not hate because it is my only connection to the world however fake part of it my be. 

I am hoping I can receive enough from my pension and social security to not have to work. My social anxiety, which is one of the things that I feel kept me from filling out forms and talking to people about the forms, keeps me from even thinking about jobs that require daily human contact in person. 

Now I have a ton of papers to fill out for my pension, find a notary and then find a place where I can fax the papers for free.

It's been ages

 Motivation being totally lacking the last couple of months I have neglected the physical blog. I blog a lot in my head as I am trying to motivate myself to get out of bed and actually doing something productive. Still lacking motivation, but more willing to try. Ages and three teaching positions ago, our principal sent us on a retreat and the highly overpaid presenter talked about never using the word "try." He said we should just get up and do. I have heard this advice a lot over the ensuing years. I have been able to grasp the do from time to time, but since not being renewed my anxiety level has increased. I still believe that the lock down and pandemic only exacerbated my crowd anxiety. I wish I had been able to embrace the online school vibe, but for some reason I could not. I also still hate Economics and think it should be Personal Finance and taught by Math teachers, because at some point they loved numbers. I do not love numbers. I find some aspects of Economics interesting, mostly the Civics and History aspects. And I have to say that teaching it did enlighten me to how stupid/ignorant some politicians, who will remain nameless, are.

When I was a Senior in high school, '74-'75 North Salem graduate here, we had a class named Modern Problems. This class was basically a Personal Finance with Careers and other stuff I forget. Knowing how to balance a checkbook, electronic though most of them are now, is still important. Checking charges to your account being one of the most important. How else could you discover that someone charged German porn to your card while you were shopping with your oldest grandson at Columbia Center Mall. Shoot I have not been there since way before COVID. 

Tomorrow all mask mandates in Oregon are rescinded. I will still wear mask. I am vaccinated and boosted, but I am still concerned about getting sick. Fact is, one week after my booster I was sick. sick, sick for about ten days and I am still overly tired. I was not so sick I needed a doctor, but sick enough to lay in bed for two days, while spicing that up with one or two walksies with Boudica. Boudica was a real trooper and did try to use the puppy pads, I think. Sometimes I think she just avoids them altogether. Of course, over here in Trumpland people have been shopping and going out without masks more often than not. That ignorant convoy drove down 84 the other day, to cheers from the ignorant here in Hermiston. By the time that convoy was organized, the announcement about the mask mandates had already come out so the "Freedom Convoy" shifted to other things which I paid no attention to. In a sort of Karma smack, because of that idiot Putin gas prices surged at about the same time, so they were paying upwards of $5 a gallon for gas/diesel.

My favorite sushi place closed, I am hoping for a remodel rather for good. The other sushi place is more expensive, though just as good. Great now I am hungry for sushi, sigh. They stay take out only until they closed, so maybe... nope I can't think it... they will open again. Kobi Hibachi Sushi, Hermiston is their name. They will reopen, they must reopen.

Found a stink bug in my BBQ today. It was dead. Poor stink bug. Thankfully, no other dead creatures found. Along with cleaning my carpet, I must also clean my BBQ. I suck as housekeeper, so applying for such jobs at local hotels and motels isn't an option. Speaking of job options, I'm not sure what I am good at other than creating curriculum. I suppose tutoring, but only in Social Studies and Language Arts. Also tutoring can pay well, but isn't likely a supporter of any lifestyle. 

That's it for now. Hopefully back later with some of my ephemeral blog.

Believing in Santa

 Do you believe? I do! I had a time where I didn't, but as I grew older I realized that Santa does exist. Physically? Probably not, but as a concept of caring and giving he does exist. He, of course, doesn't exist in everyone unfortunately. I am not one to say he exists in more than a certain someone who was born around this time. Yes, Jesus existed as a real person. It depends on whether you believe he is the son of god or not. Oh no, I didn't capitalize "god". As an agnostic I believe in a higher power and I believe she may intervene from time to time, but it is up to us to embody who she is and be kind to one another. The whole be kind thing is becoming a bit overblown, but kindness is something we are sorely lacking in the world today. 

It's hard to be kind to everyone, I get it. I'm not kind to everyone I am sure. But what I don't do is go out of my way to be unkind. I try to be the best I can be despite being overwhelmed by unemployment and a lack of medical insurance. I think those two things make me sad far to often, I can't see a way out, I don't know how to do anything but teach and I am told and I do agree I am not all that good at it. I am good at research, writing, and lesson planning and like I said yesterday I truly suck at the implementation of lessons. I sometimes think I would be good at teaching adults, but I don't have a Masters and that keeps me from being taken seriously as a teacher of adults. I have always wondered why degrees are so important, there those, like myself who are adept in certain areas despite not having that piece of paper on my wall. Also, the more I read the posts by those working on their Masters I think the arbitrary rules of writing get in the way of some achieving their goal of a Masters. One of the students who just finished his capstone on Mexican Americans really embodies the kind of person I hope I could be someday, running out time perhaps but I hope to read his paper in a journal or maybe even a book someday. I do have great ideas, I just have a real problem with all the rules, yep I'm funny that way. 

My wish for Christmas this year is two-fold: to be able to focus enough to begin to write again and that family can come together sometime in the coming year, altogether. I miss that so much.

sloughing off the negative as best I can, maybe

 It's almost Christmas and I am still not actively searching for a job. I am having second, third, fourth, and tenth thoughts about looking for a teaching position. I have always known I was very very good at research and critical thinking, but not very good and imparting that to students, at least high school students. I am told I am not engaging, that I know my subject, that I can write good plans, but standing up in front of a class of 20+ teenagers? Well that scares the living shit out of me. Last year, once we were back in person, I was sick a lot. I couldn't think straight and I truly sucked at teaching Economics. Truly sucked at it. Likely because Economics is not something I am excited about, so my sucky teaching just got suckier and suckier and of course my smart students noticed. Which should have been embarassing, but I was happy that my perception of my ability in that subject was correct. Though now that I am unstressed I do see that an understanding of some concepts is important. Still don't like it. 

Again I will be alone at Christmas, well alone in the sense that my family will not be coming to see me. I have Boudica, Nala and Evil to keep me company. This year has made me sad on numerous occasions for a variety of reasons. Sad has been a daily state of mind for me, it's just sort of there sitting in the background when I am feeling lonely. I have sat and watched far too much TV when Boudica and I should have been out and about. I set up scenarios in my head, but never complete them. Lately, I have been a bit paranoid when Boudica and I go out late at night for her to pee and poop. I have done a lot dumb and crazy things as a young woman, now as an old woman I think I need to start doing some crazy things. Not dumb, because I have companions that depend on me. I need to take walks with Boudica like I used to do with Destiny and Rasta. Yes, the dog park and a walk up the Butte and maybe a longer walk on the new trails. Shoot Emma and Mouse and I used to take long walks too and then the three of us got old and lazy. 

Well maybe another thing is to write every day. Write down the thoughts I have when I am trying to fall asleep. Maybe letters to my dad, and even my mom. Thoughts on stuff. Yes, must discipline myself to write and walk, must get snow tires so we can go on rides. Yep next week maybe drive to Salem and get those darn tires.

Job searching, not really.

 June 16th of 2021 was my last at Hermiston High School. Also, the last day of what could be my last teaching position. At 64, I am too young to retire fully. Too young for Medicare/Medicaid. Too old, in my mind to go back to a profession that has told me that I can't teach. Ok, they never said I can't teach, just that I cant' engage students. I do not disagree with that, especially when I am teaching a subject, Economics, that I find anachronistic. I did find some of the things within Economics interesting and I see how knowing some things could students in their coming years understand how dependence on a a free market system can hurt the 99%. But teach it in that way and you could get a slap from your administration, trust me. Of course I live and taught in a MAGA central part of my state which stays ever so red, despite the light to dark blue rest of the state. That is a battle cry of this side of my state, impeach our liberal Governor, impeach Biden, restore the order that was dictated by the former President. 

I was always open with my students, I'm a Democrat, though in many things I am a bit more moderate than many. Is that a circumstance of my birth? I am a Libra, lady justice, or maybe more rightly the lady of balance. I was teaching CRT (Critical Racial Theory) before it became the mantra of evil by conservatives. I still believe my lack of engagement of my students was the excuse, though my attempt at balance in teaching Civics was the real reason. Can't really say that teaching truth is reason for dismissal. Well, not in my state anyway.

Here I am 5 months out and still I haven't found the position that calls to me. I am too old to take a position in a district where I am not really wanted. There are many positions available because of teacher burnout, but do I want a position in a district that would do that to its faithful teachers? In my previous post, 5 months ago, I listed a variety things that cause teachers to leave. My former district lost many teachers because of its lack of care for teachers either pregnant or with small children. Other reasons as well, maybe because they couldn't engage their students. But speculation is rumor without facts and I love me some compelling facts. I have none, other than those that involve me. And I can make a guess that our facts about my dismissal are not agreed upon. 

As my retirement nest egg dwindles I am looking at my options. I really think research is my area of expertise. I suck at the presentation, on that I agree with my former district. My anxiety in crowds and meeting new people is crippling. COVID hasn't helped me one bit, though I still think I was ok in CDL and just as good as many of my colleagues, according to them. But I am not a coach, all of my colleagues in my department are and the person who was hired to replace me is also a coach. Ok, he didn't take my job technically, my colleague who was teaching US History, moved into my Civics/Economics position and the new guy got his job. The irony here, is that when I was told I being involuntarily transferred I said I had never taught in regular classroom, always alternative ed, and that I had never taught Economics. At the time I was working on a Masters in American History. My theory is that they were hoping I would resign and move on to another position. They were caught and well when they looked closer at me, they saw someone who didn't do well in a regular classroom setting and began looking for a way to get me out. This could all be paranoia on my part, but I do know I struggled daily with just coming to work each morning for two years, because of my anxiety and the help I was getting from coaches wasn't geared to making me better at engagement, but at preparing lesson plans which they believed would make me a better teacher. My saying this is really hard for me was translated as you need to tighter lesson plans, post your learning goals so that students know what they are learning and adults coming in know what you are teaching. I was sick more in the two years I was teaching in a regular classroom, than I was in the last 7 years. Exposure to twice as many students notwithstanding, anxiety and my inability to get through it was the reason.

I am trudging on ever so slowly and hopefully there will be something somewhere for me to settle into.