This, for me, is a safe place

 As far as I can tell I am the only one who comes here. This makes it a fairly safe place to vent, if I need to, to forgive myself when I vent, to contemplate my struggle to advocate for myself, and finally  just to ramble on about those things that pop into my head as I am trying to fall asleep.

I have ranted and vented about Joseph in the past. I do not regret the rants, I regret it has taken me so long to just accept Joseph. He is a good man who makes mistakes, just like every one of us humans. He doesn't do anything out of malice that I can see, he does do some things he shouldn't because he doesn't understand some of the people he interacts with. A flaw that he does have is that he is quick "attack" without knowing the circumstances. Many, if not all, of us humans speak before thinking. A flaw we all share, some of us recognize it usually too late, some never do. 

To have a safe place helps the stress and keeps me on a somewhat even keel. I hope I can continue to use this safe place, even it is somehow outed.

Stress

 I have been under varying levels of stress for about two months. The levels are going down as each of my issues resolve. I made the bed and it took me far too long to pull myself out. Mainly because asking for help and then relying on others to help is very hard for me. Family and friends have sent healing vibes my way, as well as, help by sending money which was given from the heart. I only asked my son and daughter for monetary help and my daughter was the only one who has come through. My son has said nothing including, no we can't help. Ghosting me for something I am uncertain I did. But I am not going to dwell any longer on that.

Once relief comes it is hard to stand down the worry/stress level. It is agencies who are helping me currently and I can't thank them enough for the help and advice. It is of course the people in the agencies who do the helping and I haven't talked to one person who has been negative. I'm not sure I could keep up the empathy level each day when I hear about the crisis people are going through. From my relatively temporary crisis to those who pull out of whatever crisis they are in, even with the help of people who seem to actually care. I only qualify that because if people feel better from what the agency people say or do it really doesn't matter if everyone of them actually cares. Kindness is something that we all have to be reminded about in our current world. I have experienced a lot of kindness over the last few months and I can't express my thanks enough to all who have helped me. Even people I have never met in person sent support through the cute emojis and a few words. And for someone who prefers the company of her fur babies to actual people, those little things actually help. 

So stress is hard to slough off and I will probably never slough every vestige off and that's ok. I can hopefully use that to find my way and my happiness. Unlike many memes lately happiness all of the time is not a good thing, being happy all of the time can lead to not doing what you enjoy. Riches do not mean happiness, having it all does not lead to lasting love. What am I rambling on about here? I believe that having what you need, not what want is the root to personal happiness. If you have seen the film Legion with Paul Bettany he has a line where he tells Gabriel that Gabriel gives what god wants and he, Michael gives what, he says he, but I prefer they need. Yes, I see God as a duality. 

Needs should not be stressors, but so many times they are. How do I pay my rent? How do I feed my family? How do I get to the store when I have the money to buy groceries? Needs. We all have wants and sometimes we get them, the so-called 1% thrive on the wanting and see the wanting as needing. Wanting is not a bad thing, but pushing others aside to get to what you want is. Not getting what you want is not failure, failure has been getting a new definition of sorts lately. Failure can lead to success, probably does in most cases. I watched National Treasure last night and Gates talks about Edison and the light bulb, how Edison's discovery came from many failures. The stress that comes from failure when imposed by the person with the failure can be enlightening sometimes. Failure is seen as a bad thing in schools and business. Learning from failure is a good thing that we rarely acknowledge.

Edison and others acknowledge their failures as the way to success. Then there are others who fail and then buy their way to temporary success and then fail again and buy success again. Those are the people who give failure a bad name. The memes who tell you not to look back are doing you a disservice. You should not dwell on the past, but learn from it. The historian in me goes back to the old saying what we don't learn from the past.... I love learning. I am just not very good at teaching, though that part is still in flux for me. What did I do or not do that caused me to fail at something I enjoyed? In part, my anxiety, and the rest I don't know. I gave up trying even given the support I thought I needed. 

Stress one of those things that should be thought of as a way of enlightenment perhaps? 

Envy, family, pride, etc

 I watch far too much TV, as I have admitted before, the last program I watched is titled Worst Witch and stars Bella Ramsey, yes that one. Envy was sort of the anchor trope of the episode I just watched and it got me thinking about why envy is a bad thing, one of the seven deadlies. But as with a few of the other deadlies I think it is a matter of degree. If you let one, like envy, overtake you then you lose yourself in it. If you embrace it as a positive then, I believe, you master it and use it to your advantage. Not sure if that works with all of the deadlies, but envy can motivate you to better yourself. I am not sure once you do that if it still envy, since the bad connotations are prevalent in society today. Back to Worst Witch, it is a nice show with lots of tropes that annoy me, but then it is made for tweens afterall. 

Family is a part of the show, all the young witches are in a witch boarding school, sound familiar? No wizards however, which I find very interesting. There is one, but he is a bit daft after being turned into a toad/frog for several years. School as family is what many schools strive for, complete with the "evil" siblings and adults. School that is a sore subject for me. I never felt a part of the high school, especially that last two years. I cared about the students, loved creating lesson plans and the research. What broke me, especially when I was teaching in the "regular" school, was any all and interactions of more than three or four. I couldn't overcome it, maybe because I hated teaching Economics, a course I think is stupid in high school, and then the plague hit and I thought cool no real life interactions, all virtual, but then it was Economics and I hated it. So I shot myself in the foot instead of getting help with the anxiety I thought that learning more about teaching would help and it didn't. Teaching is now behind me, I couldn't afford to renew my teaching certificate so I am certificateless and retired. Now for my pension to start up, which is going to happen by the 1st of November so I don't get evicted. Capeco may be helping out with the back rent, I am worthy because I was an idiot. 

But the ... shoot lost my train of thought there. What I have learned is that one of the things I never could do, rely on others, is also something that helped in my downfall as a teacher. I can do this on my own was my mantra, I must do it on my own to prove my worth. That is the "evil" part of pride and I that led to my losing my love of teaching. Realization of that will not help me get back to teaching, but it does help me relax and accept what I did wrong. I keep getting these so-called positive memes that say to no dwell on the past, but I think they miss the point of looking back. Sure it isn't helpful to get depressed about what you did wrong, but it is helpful to dig in and learn from the past. The other positive memes make me feel good actually, none are directed at me of course, but they brighten my mood. The ones that say wealth and a dream house are coming my way, are a bit over the top. I don't need to be wealthy and my dream house is a 70 year old beach house that my parents and god parents built in the 60's. When I think about wealthy, I remember way back to when malls were in their heyday and I was shopping with a friend and we were talking about being rich and I said that to me, being rich is being able to go shopping and not have to look at the price tags. I still believe that, but now I have to add having family and friends close and sharing holidays with all of them. Like we used to do when I little, at least the Forcier part of the holidays. I won't go down the Richardson road, because they have basically washed their hands of me. Without Brion and Joanne, the Richardsons are so much less. But that is on them. 

When I was at my worst, the Richardson side let me down. Over the last months the Forciers have shown that they will come to each other's and even my sorry ass's aid. For that I am forever grateful to them. I do still care about the Richardsons they are family after all. Family is a bit troublesome for me currently. But then I am far away and unable to go to them. I am hoping that will change as my finances begin to recover. Finance problems because, again, I am an idiot.

Family is important and should never be taken for granted. 

What is a family????

 Families are complicated beings. They grow and they decompose, sometimes at the same time. My family is in a slow process of decay and for some reason it seems as if I am the cause. My son and granddaughter stopped by a few weeks ago, totally a surprise visit. We talked and we hugged, but my granddaughter is the only one I have heard from since and that was a birthday note. My daughter says I threw her brother under the bus, but I don't why. She also says I have spent far more time with my oldest grandson than any of my other grandchildren. That is true, but since his dad, my son essentially chose his other children over him, I can't help it.

Anyway, back to a previous discussion about TV and film families. I hear a lot about how many people never see themselves in the families that are depicted on TV and film. I believe this and I also think that TV and film are trying too hard to depict said families. Though I never watched Modern Family, I think that they did a very good job in the depiction of the gay couple. I say that not knowing if that community thinks that is true. Blackish is a great show and far better than the stilted Black families, that were all sitcoms by the way, depicted when I was a teenager. Sanford and Son was good, very good in depicting a "typical" Black family, again only my opinion. The Jeffersons I did enjoy, but always seemed a bit surreal to me. Not that I had issue with the premise, but as a sitcom all of the tropes were there and maybe that is why it troubled me. I had no Blacks, Asians, Hispanics, etc in my frame as I grew up. It was all very white and all of that whiteness was never discussed. My mother was racist and used that word from time to time. In fact she used that word in relation to my Hawaiian boyfriend and I slapped her. 

I watch far too much TV/Streaming, as I have said before and lately I have been paying attention to the depiction of family. Disney, of course, does all the fuzzy wuzzy families and also has begun to slip in dysfunctional families. Or at least they try to. They created a new Cheaper by Dozen and then took it off their streaming service. They have taken a few other shows off: Willow the series, Turner and Hooch the series, Crater, and likely others that I am forgetting. A whole gaggle of reality shows have showed up, though I am hoping it is more response (a bad one) to the WGA strike. Disney has tried to expand their brand with Star Wars and the Marvel movies and series. Sometimes not in a good way. Relationships aren't really Disney's thing, well in the sense that everyone seems to get along and when they don't one of them is a bad guy. Good vs Evil, Disney's biggest trope. 

In the Santa Clause movies and series family is important, but not the work family at least in the "real" world. I just rewatched the movies and Scott's real world work took up so much of his time that his family was left behind. Then in the last movie his elf family/work takes up too much of his time and he doesn't realize what he was losing until he loses everything. Disney teaching him and us a lesson on how to balance the two. Of course in the end, family prevails and Christmas is saved. 

Families are complicated and they have to want to be melded back together. I hope that my family will begin that healing process. I am not sure how to begin and I am far away and can't afford to come for a visit. Excuses are many for me, but I don't know how heal when I don't know how it was broken.

Thoughts on parents

I have been watching a lot of TV. In an effort to keep expenses to a minimum until my pension kicks I watch a lot of, far too much of TV. Lately everything I watch that has families makes me cry. I have always been a weeper during movies, documentaries, and TV shows. My daughter didn't like to go the movie with me because I would laugh when no else did. I told her it wasn't my fault that I got the joke and the rest of audience didn't. 

Families have an interesting position in films and TV. Nearly all are far more interesting than mine. That is the nature of the beast, because these made up families much hold the attention of a variety of viewers. The more complicated and darker families dwelled on daytime TV for the most, with the happy and positive families living on sitcoms. I Love Lucy was favorite in my home when I was young. It came as no surprise to me that slept in twin beds, because my parents didn't even sleep in the same bedroom. That was normal to me, "Your dad snores so loudly I can't sleep." Was the answer I received when I asked, I have no memory of asking however. My family was typical white middle class of the 50s and 60s, though my mother did work outside the home and I had a nanny. Watching TV during the 60s I saw reflections of myself and my family. Until other races started popping in sitcoms during the 70s I never thought about other races. There were none, other than the Chinese family who owned the Chinese restaurant, in my frame. 

My parents were good to me. My dad was wonderful. My mom distant and also pushing me to a variety of activities I didn't want to do. Even then I had anxiety being in groups of people I didn't know. I had a few friends as a young child, I believe all vetted by my mother. It wasn't until Junior High that I found friends on my own and Julie and Sue were BBFs through middle and high school. We lost touch after, primarily all my fault. I went to college made new friends, though at least three slightly vetted by my mother I believe. Now I have few who I call friend and that is all my fault. I made casual friendships with colleagues, but none deep and now I see them only on Facebook. I had one friend before moving here who was my polar opposite; she is outgoing and loud. I fell away from her for some reason I cannot put words to, we kept in virtual touch until she lost her mind and became a Trump supporter hook line and sinker. Another former colleague who I kept in touch did the same thing. I'm not sure who unfriended who first, but both are no longer on my feed. 

I'll talk boyfriends later. 

Back to parents on TV and film. Now families are much more reflective of society, somewhat. Though still there are far too many middle class families who live in homes I am pretty sure most middle class people in the real world can't afford. I was not a Friends fan, I did watch it from time to time, but not a fan. Later of course it was criticized for having working class 20 somethings living in a loft in New York City. During college I watched far too much day time dramas, General Hospital, Young and the Restless, and whatever drama Ericka Kane lived in. Families in sitcoms lived the good life for the most part, even those who didn't seem to have jobs that paid enough the homes they lived in. Sanford and Son was, for me, a new look into lives I had no clue about. Accurate? No idea. Without doing any research, a good portrayal of a working class family. Archie Bunker was, I think, a more accurate portrayal of a white working class family than most.

Today, film and TV still have issues with accurately portraying families. But again, would we watch if it wasn't interesting or a reflection of what we all think is the American Dream? I watch a lot of animated films, because they are an interesting mix of families who love each other and even hate each other. Jealousy usually being a dark thing that corrupts the holder of the jealousy and, for a time, hurts the objects of the jealousy. When I watch Encanto, which I love, I see the grandmother being controlling and behaving much like my mother, or at least how I saw my mother behaving. There was only me to control, ok and my dad, but molding into her image what her family should be is very much my mother. How the family is perceived by others being the driving force. Disney has a knack for the good and satisfying ending. They have branched off from that model and are stumbling. But the grandmother in Encanto they are tossing that which doesn't fit their current belief. 

Disney is removing films and shows for some reason, I realize there was some kind of purge which included Hulu, but their rationale is beyond me. They are making mistakes about their programming and either refuse to see or can't see what they are doing is a mistake. I recently logged on to Disney+ and discovered that while they are removing some fairly decent shows and replacing them with a bunch of old and maybe new unscripted reality junk like Storage Wars, which I admit I watched until the channel, A&E?, they were on cancelled Longmire. Longmire now sits on Netflix and either Paramount or Peacock. Disney's mistake may be that they listen to reply rather than listen to learn. Yes, I stole that from meme or other. Disney+ has Marvel and Star Wars and is not listening, this is a time where you should look back and learn and see. Loki does well because as an antihero he is someone we like. Love and Thunder failed, because in my opinion Disney is listening to a bunch of incels who can't grasp a female hero. Also likely why Captain Marvel hasn't had a second volume. If you look at Marvel's films, I can't speak for the graphic novels/comics, you see a bunch of male heroes being assisted by strong women, even saving the universes. The Red Witch becomes evil after losing her lover, because that is what women do, especially those who are witches. They embrace the dark and evil and retaliate. The Winter Soldier is redeemable, but she is not? Natasha sacrifices herself because Clint has a family. 

I feel that Disney has difficulty with strong women who cannot or will not be labeled princesses. Families in Disney are side stories, they rarely take center stage. They are there in the background, usually supportive and loving, but never in the forefront. Pepper comes to the Avengers aid in Endgame and teams with the other women: Shuri who will become Black Panther, Captain Marvel, Wanda, Hope, and Valkerie. That is a match up I would like to see in a movie. 

Families have been an interesting mix in novels, film and TV. Sometimes portrayed accurately and sometimes not. Families are complicated. 

Slowly doing better

 Having to rely on Joseph was not stressful at all. He is a good man. Exasperating, but a good man. His faith is his companion, that sounds a bit lame. But I have faith in his faith in God. Kind people live not so much in the shadows, but backstage waiting to help, encourage, even harass those they encounter in the right ways.

My Facebook feed has been overrun with positive meme sites. Some are very very good and encouraging, others make me wriggle up my face in wonder, like, "You will get all the money you have wished for," "Affirm and riches will come your way." Stuff like that, friendship and family are the foundation on which we build our "wealth." The more I worry and stress about money, the more I know that while I need money I don't need to drip in it. Sure it would be great to have the money I need to buy the beach house my parents built, a dream that could happen perhaps, but I go back to what I used think about money: enough to pay bills, enough to road trip a few times a month, enough to help my family when they need it. 

So back to my original statement about relying on Joseph, he encouraged me and was a sounding board. I am now relying on the controllers of my pension and an agency helping me pay my rent this month and that so far is somewhat helping with stress. Ok it's just the agency that is helping me with my rent. I had been awaiting confirmation of the app I turned in three weeks ago and just found out yesterday that according to the agency my landlord hadn't sent their info in. The landlord says that they did, then today I get a call from the person reviewing my application and I find out they can't/won't help people who do not have the ability to maintain their household. I actually get that requirement because if they help someone with rent and then they don't have the ability to pay their rent in the future the agency help really isn't that helpful. 

What is horrible is that rental assistance, that payment that covers part of a person's rent runs out of funds. I, thankfully, receive enough from social security to pay my rent, not all of my bills but at least the rent, utilities, and Internet. When my pension arrives, sometime in the next 92 days according to the email I received, I will be fine. Hopefully, enough to save a few dollars a month. Back to renter's assistance, there are people, I was one, that could be homeless because they can't pay their rent. When I look at what I pay for rent, I could surely pay a mortgage, but because currently I have a low income, I can't qualify.  Again I pine for the beach house. Sigh....

I am babbling, which is what I do when I am stressed. I have overcome a few of my stressed out issues, but not that one. I get overly vocal and sometimes overshare. Ok, what I call overshare because obviously I don't blog, though I do in my head. Hmmmm maybe pop in a blog entry more often. 

I am slowly doing better, I have been forced to rely on others which is my Achilles heel. Also probably one reason I am no longer teaching. I used to love teaching but then I lost that love and I couldn't rekindle it. I have no desire to sub, that would be my hell. I am seeking a retirement passion, though I hate using use the word passion. I very much enjoy reading and writing and researching. Figuring out how to combine those is a new goal. 

Not doing well at all

 I rarely come and write. I hope to do better, I always hope to do better. The last few months have been lonely and awful. Awful in the sense that I couldn't get the motivation to complete forms and requirements for my pension and social security. I am so not sure why, I couldn't even open the tablet up to find those things I need to do to not lose my apartment, phone, internet, etc. So now I have exactly 14.00 to my name. Luckily the furry family has their food, though cat food is running low and I 14.00 is not enough to buy them a bag of food. 

I have filled out the forms for social security and, sadly, SNAP. The later being extremely complicated to fill out. My pension paperwork has to be completed before next Friday and they don't accept electronic submissions for some reason, likely because they need a notary. So I need to Fax the packet and don't have enough money to do that. 

I have also had to ask my son for money to pay this month's bills and I'm not sure he can help. I could lose my apartment on my birthday, happy birthday to me. Those who help with rent are all dry of funds, which I find particularly sad, not just for me but for those who are worse than me. I will eventually have my pension and social security to help. I am hoping I will only have to access SNAP for this month and October. With gas up 5.00 or more a gallon I can't afford to drive around to the organizations in person.

I gave a box of cans and bottles to a gentleman combing through our trash bins and that felt good. He kept thanking me even as I walked away. Giving is far more easy for me than asking for help. Especially when what I need is about 2000.00 to catch up all my bills, but my credit card. 

People want to be kind, but other than saying I am not doing well on Facebook, yes Facebook. Sigh, I hate social media, ok not hate because it is my only connection to the world however fake part of it my be. 

I am hoping I can receive enough from my pension and social security to not have to work. My social anxiety, which is one of the things that I feel kept me from filling out forms and talking to people about the forms, keeps me from even thinking about jobs that require daily human contact in person. 

Now I have a ton of papers to fill out for my pension, find a notary and then find a place where I can fax the papers for free.